Debra Kasowski, Author at Debra Kasowski

Episode 44 – Making Difficult Conversations More Comfortable

November 15, 2016 by Debra Kasowski Leave a Comment

Subscribe: RSS

How many of you enjoy difficult conversations? How many of you have had a difficult conversation? My guess is many of you have. It doesn’t make it any easier. Each situation you face requires courage and empathy. Difficult conversations are often viewed as conflicts. Difficult conversations are never easy but they are simple.

Some people believe that if you avoid having these difficult conversations or avoid discussing the elephant in the room that they’ll just go away. What happens when you will avoid a difficult conversation? This behaviour actually compounds it adding more discomfort and even tension to the room. It could eventually blow up and cause a lot of damage in relationships.

Avoiding Difficult Situations

Why do you think we avoided it? There can be a number of reasons why we avoid having difficult conversations:

Some people believe that if you talk about the difficult situation you’re only making it worse by adding fuel to the fire per se.
Others believe that difficult conversations make both parties feel that so why would we want to go there?
When we have those difficult conversations, sometimes there’s nothing preparing us for what we might be told.
The uncertainty of the impact and the outcome can make people uneasy.

I remember when I was a new manager at performance conversation my manager had suggested that an area of personal development for me was to get more involved in people management and being able to handle those difficult conversations. I was very wary about inking that on paper. I now understand why because as soon as I inked it on paper it was like the universe was saying and ‘Here it is!” Difficult conversations seem to come fast and furious. There were times that I could feel my stomach flipping but play out the conversations in my head and sometimes I was even sick to my stomach because I was so uncertain of the outcome. As time went on, I developed a system in which I no longer am afraid to have a difficult conversation and my stomach doesn’t flip out as much on occasionally uneasy but not to the point that I feel I need to visit the bathroom.

Everyone Wants to Be Heard

listening The one thing that I feel is most important when having a difficult conversation is that everyone’s voice be heard whether you agree with it or not. You must take a nonjudgmental approach where you challenge your assumptions by asking yourself questions. It is important to stick to the facts. I’m not saying that your emotions are not important however they may not be the drivers of the miscommunication or the feedback that needs to be delivered.

When Emotions Run High

When emotions are high, it’s best to give it space and time to let it settle out. When emotions are high, people may say things that they later regret and did not intend. What happens is, there is a part of the brain that tries to protect you and when emotions are high you do not think rationally. Knowing this, you might choose to step back from the situation to really gain a clear picture and gather those facts. Acknowledge that there may be differences. Even though, you are putting the emotions aside as you review the facts, it doesn’t mean that what had occurred or the feedback gifts delivered to have an impact on you.

Take Time to Self-Reflect

It is important to do some self-reflection especially when the miscommunication may be with you and another person. Do check-in on yourself and take responsibility for your contribution to the miscommunication or the problem – I call this “owning your stuff.” People forget that it takes two people to tango and have a conversation. Each person comes forward with their own contribution to a situation. Put aside all blaming or complaining. Faultfinding does not help people move forward.

Preparation Meets Conversation

One of the best ways to prepare for difficult conversation is to prepare and script out, rehearse, and even role-play what you would like to say to take the anxiety out of having this conversation that you see is difficult. Assess the current situation and compare it to what you expect. What is the gap? Come from a place of curiosity to gain an understanding of what the true picture is versus what is imagined. This way you won’t forget anything and sometimes looking at the written piece of paper may help you control your own emotions.

Difficult conversations need to be discussed in a private area between the parties involved. Remember that you are working toward preserving a relationship and even though you may think differently and you may agree to disagree, you want to make sure that each person walking away from this conversation still remains intact. Let the person that you are speaking with know that you might be feeling uncomfortable. Pay attention to the other person’s emotions and your own. Watch their body language if face to face. I do not encourage anything but! It is not good to have these conversations by phone as you miss the visual or body language and there is no tone in email or text. It is okay to share how you’re feeling about the discussion. You will also want to express what you look need and expect for future actions of another person or what you are willing to do. Knowing that outcome can help you understand if you actually met the needs of that conversation.

Awesome Strategy

This discussion has often been referred to as the XYZ method:

X – When this happened…(What was said – facts!)

Y- I felt …(Feelings)

Z – In the future, I would like…(Expectations)

I have used this method on several occasions and I do have to tell you that not only is it empowering but it allows you to focus on the facts without bottling up your emotions.

No matter what the difficult conversation, you need to remember that both parties come with their own perspectives, knowledge, and experiences. They are upset is about them because you cannot be responsible for someone else’s feelings and they cannot be responsible for yours. Ask yourself why you feel triggered in the conversation. Is it that you never felt heard, valued, or appreciated? Treating people with respect is imperative even if we disagree with what they might be saying. You too, come with your own perspectives, knowledge, and experiences. Expectations may be different. Work toward finding a common ground that both parties feel comfortable with as they walk away from that conversation.

Every difficult conversation is different. People are driven by emotion and also need to be where the facts. With practice and the use of these simple steps, you will be able to have difficult conversations with grace and you will find them more comfortable as you develop confidence and competence in having them. Sometimes you may realize that the bond between two people gets even stronger because they’ve been able to have a difficult conversation. No one said it would be easy but it will be worth it even if it is for your own peace of mind in ensuring that you say what you needed to say versus holding onto it.

We would love to have you subscribed to the Success Secrets newsletter on my website at www.debrakasowski.com where you’re going to get us free MP3 download 10 Surefire Strategies to Power Up Your Productivity and Performance. I would love to hear about this podcast has impacted your life. E-mail me at Debra@DebraKasowski.com. Thank you for listening to The Millionaire Woman Show where we talk about leadership, business, and human potential to help you live rich from the inside out. Subscribe to The Millionaire Woman Show. Share it with Your Friends. Give us a 5-star rating!

DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. Her writing has been published in a variety of print and online magazines. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. Sign up the Success Secrets Newsletter and get your free mp3 download today! www.debrakasowski.com

Time: 11:54 min

Keywords: having difficult conversations, managing difficult conversations, fierce conversations, communication, miscommunication, overcoming difficult conversations

Episode 43 – Start Thinking Differently

November 10, 2016 by Debra Kasowski Leave a Comment

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re right.”
― Henry Ford

In today’s podcast I wanted to talk about the thinking differently. All too often and I’m going to say myself included that we can get stuck in one way of thinking and we box ourselves in. This is why it’s so important when you hear the phrase think out-of-the-box that you’re trying to gain a perspective from many different angles and that you’re challenging assumptions that you have to ensure that you got the whole picture. If you’re like me you can be a high visionary thinker and also have the capacity to pay attention to the details. What we need to be cautious of is not to get hung up on the details.

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”
― Albert Einstein

When you feel stuck, you could be getting in your own way of getting to the end result that you truly want.

Thinking differently applies to everyone. No matter if your parent, leader, project manager, middle management to senior management or business owner, we all have times when we need to push out of the comfort zone. When you stretch your thinking and start thinking differently, you allow for creativity to blossom and the birth of innovation to begin. Many great ideas have transformed the boundaries of technology just think of Microsoft and Apple as examples. The companies and organizations that think differently are on the leading edge and have a competitive advantage.

There are some leaders or managers who get concerned that when they open the doors of creativity and innovation that there’ll be no structure or rules in place. This is where I believe people give away their power. Choosing to think differently does not mean you can’t have a structure or that you can’t have rules. There can be boundaries and there can be deal breakers. What is most important is that these rules or boundaries be communicated and be open to being challenged on them.

People who think differently are driven and sparked by their curiosity and they allow it to guide them to their destination. They are willing to disrupt their own personal habits to focus on one thing. They know the power of asking questions and they asked more than they tell. One thing is for certain what sets them apart is that they value experiences over things. We are not linear thinkers we have ideas coming forth all the time and it’s what we pay attention to that we truly notice.

I personally have considered myself a person who thinks differently. I see possibility and opportunity where people told me there would be none. My first exposure to the entrepreneurial mindset or world per se was through an e-Women network luncheon. I was so excited to be there and listened intensively to what people were talking about and the actions they were taking. I thought it was cool that you could be your own boss and create something for your own. The difference to me was that you could take that creativity and be the solution.

The biggest thing that I noticed was that any of the challenges that were shared were seen as an opportunity. I have an investigator character so this intrigued me. I know there’s always a way that we can figure something out because others have been there before. The more and more I listened the more I saw this way of thinking similar to putting together a puzzle. I heard people speaking of abundance and not falling into a comparison trap for they were choosing to learn from their competitors and not compete. There are so many people in the world and not just one can serve them. I also took notice that complacency is the enemy and hard work is necessary. It’s not that people don’t work hard when you’re in a job but when you’re working for yourself you will work even harder. You take pride in your own efforts to get the results you desire and envision.

There are several ways you can expand your thinking and start thinking out-of-the-box:

start asking more questions
be open to working in diversity and learning from others
take up a new physical activity for the next 30 days
change a habit that you been working on for the next 21 days
read books or watch movies of different genres
take a different route home
travel to new places
join a Mastermind group or an association where you can be a part of collaborative thinking and learn from others
take a risk in making a decision after you have done your due diligence

As you shake up your routines, you begin to think differently. You expand your thinking and you realize that not everyone sees the world as you do. We learn that being judgmental does not serve us. Be open to new possibilities and think about implications and impact to dig deeper and expand your knowledge. Make a list of the questions that you want to know and then start asking them. Chances are others may have the same question as you- have the courage to ask knowing that the solution may be the key you been looking for.

Time: 08:29 min

Keywords: mind mapping, stretch your thinking, think outside the box, expand your thinking, thinking, think differently, think different, thinking in new ways, gaining new perspective

Episode 42 – Stop Analyzing Everything

November 8, 2016 by Debra Kasowski Leave a Comment

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

“The only people who see the whole picture are the ones who step outside the frame.”
― Salman Rushdie

Do you spend a lot of time in your own head? Are you replaying every situation over and over reliving every moment? Do you regret not taking action? If you answered yes to any of these questions you’re probably someone who analyzes every situation and you are an over thinker.

How do I know? I know because I used to be that person. About 8 or 9 years ago, I was sitting in the audience of a real estate seminar and I heard the speaker talking about online marketing and the potential of sharing information and educating people to help them make decisions and take actions that would transform their lives. As I was sitting there, all I could tell myself if I could do that. I went up to speak with the speaker after the event sharing my ideas as well as my thought process. He looked at me and said, “You don’t have to overthink things; it’s a lot simpler than you think.” He became my mentor. He challenged me to think differently than I ever had for this I am grateful because now I can see opportunities and possibilities.

Whenever I would start overthinking, I started to feel stressed out and even get anxious about the “how” of getting things done. I waffled when it came to making some key decisions. Sometimes I would even wake up at night wondering how will I ever get through this…make the money I want or even pay my assistant. You may have even caught yourself in the negative spiral thinking getting ready to believe the worst case scenario. All of this drains your energy. Thinking about a decision and making the decision are two different things. Decisive action is important if you are not going to miss out on opportunities. I know there were opportunities that passed by. My overthinking held me back from taking the action I needed.

How do you know if you are overthinking? You can’t stop thinking about anything else. It feels like the movie, Ground Hog Day, where the day gets played over and over. One of the most common thoughts is wondering what others think of you. You may have heard the saying, “What others think of you is none of your business.” It’s true. If you have not read, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel de Ruiz, I highly recommend it.

One of the agreements is not to take things personally. No matter if someone compliments – saying something great about you or criticizes you, saying something negative about you, it is their perception of their reality. I happen to want to take the compliments personally. We can definitely learn from and choose whether or not we with accept the latter. It does not need to define you. What matters is your perspective. Replaying what you could have done is sheer punishment, quit doing this to yourself.

What can you do about the “overthinking” or analyzing? You can start by taking action and doing more instead of learning more. You cannot start getting things into motion if you are hiding behind your computer or a book continuously working at learning more without taking action steps to move forward.

“We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them” – Albert Einstein

Here are some actions you can start taking:

Quiet your mind: meditation, prayer, or even sit in silence
Research new information
Make a to-do list
Journal out your thoughts in an objective way
Create an actionable plan
Set goals
Lay out a timeline with milestones
Ask questions: “If I could stop thinking about it, I would…” OR “Will what I am thinking about matter 1 year from now? 3 years from now? 5 years from now?
Listen to your advice. What would you tell a friend in a similar situation?
Distract yourself and put your attention elsewhere
Stop talking about the situation with others. Continuing to talk about it and ask advice from everyone we know we are continually thinking about the situation.

Action starts with making a deliberate proactive choice to get a different outcome. Put your energy on where you want your results to come from. I know it may feel like it is easier said than done. I challenge you to try it. Action is the cure for overthinking.

We would love to have you subscribed to the Success Secrets newsletter on my website at www.debrakasowski.com where you’re going to get us free MP3 download 10 Surefire Strategies to Power Up Your Productivity and Performance. I would love to hear about this podcast has impacted your life. E-mail me at Debra@DebraKasowski.com. Thank you for listening to The Millionaire Woman Show where we talk about leadership, business, and human potential to help you live rich from the inside out. Subscribe to The Millionaire Woman Show. Share it with Your Friends. Give us a 5-star rating!

Time: 8:43 min

Keywords: What Causes Overthinking, Why Do I Overthink Everything, How to Stop Over-Analyzing, Over Thinking in Relationships, How to Stop Thinking, Overthinking Definition, Overthinking Quotes, How to Stop Overthinking Things, Stop Overthinking

where you’re going to get us free MP3 download 10 Surefire Strategies to Power Up Your Productivity and Performance. I would love to hear about this podcast has impacted your life. E-mail me at Debra@DebraKasowski.com. Thank you for listening to The Millionaire Woman Show where we talk about leadership, business, and human potential to help you live rich from the inside out. Subscribe to The Millionaire Woman Show. Share it with Your Friends. Give us a 5-star rating!

Time: 8:43 min

7 Reasons Why People Are Resistant to Goal Setting

November 5, 2016 by Debra Kasowski Leave a Comment

Have you ever had a new idea or want to implement something and you face resistance? Do you ever feel that you’re defending yourself or your ideas? Do you sometimes feel that you’re lowering your standards because you can’t get others to buy in? Facing resistance can be very challenging when you’re goal setting. Resistance can also work in your favour if you know how to leverage it. When you are faced with resistance, I want you to challenge your assumptions and ask more questions to identify, “Where this resistance is coming from?” Is this resistance coming from yourself and your own beliefs or is this resistance being placed on you do to another person’s belief?

“Resistance is a powerful motivator precisely because it enables us to fulfill our longing to achieve our goals while letting us boldly recognize and name the obstacles to those achievements.”
― Derrick A. Bell

Many people attribute their success to goal-setting. There are other individuals who do not see the reason or the importance of setting goals. They are what we will call the “resistors”. These are the people that no matter how much you are going to try and convince them; they are just not going to buy in. According to the online Oxford dictionary, resistance is “the refusal to accept or comply with something; the attempt to prevent something by action or argument.”

Resistors are the ones who will see the world through a different lens than you. Instead of fueling the resistance, it can be helpful to gain an understanding of their perspective. It has been my learning through appreciative inquiry that when faced with resistance or someone providing negative feedback it is important to gain an appreciation of that person’s viewpoint. There may be nuggets of information that can be considered valuable to a project or to the goals set themselves.

There may be several reasons behind they are resisting setting goals or following through on them even though many people have proved to be successful goal setting.

#1 Afraid Of Commitment By “Inking” The Goal. For some people, writing out a goal on paper means that they’re making a declaration or a commitment to what they are doing. Suddenly they go from talking a good talk to actually walking the talk in doing what they say they want to do. This can be frightening and at the same time so powerful. When a person sets the goal and writes it down, the mere writing it down in ink suddenly makes it seem more real. This is when all the doubts, self-limiting beliefs, and all the internal chatter comes up.

What to Do: Tap into the “why”. What makes this goal so exciting? What is holding the resistor back from inking the goal? What is their true fear? What will it feel like to achieve the outcome that is desired? What impact will it make? How will they be part of making a difference?

# 2 Different View of How Things Should Be Done. Similar to the sales process or a person’s view of change, you may be faced with objections or resistance. There are many ways to get to the same outcome. Sometimes when we face resistance we feel challenged and get frustrated.

What to Do: Ask insightful questions to learn more about the other person’s perspective and share your perspective. Are there any similarities? What can you learn from the other person’s viewpoint? Is it possible that there could be more efficient and effective way of getting to the same outcome?

#3 Different Vision of the Outcome. People may become disinterested in supporting a project or goal because they have a different vision of what the outcome could be. Resistance may show up because the resistor doesn’t have enough information or has not been influenced to believe that this vision is compelling.

What to Do: You may consider saying the following:

“It sounds like you have a different view of how things should be. What vision do you see? What approach do you believe we should be taking? Tell me more…”

#4 Fear Sets In. There may be many fears that creep up when setting goals. There is the fear of rejection and not being accepted. You may believe that people will laugh at your goals or the ideas you present. Remember is that your goal is your goal and it needs to be important to you. People will always have their opinions. It is important not to take them personally. People often fear change due to uncertainty. The fear of success may also challenge you. Your imagination starts to take over and you think about all the things that could happen should your project or goal be achieved. Many of the things that you think of may or may not even happen and you may even feel that there’s a loss of control. The fear of failing may come up for you and this will prevent you from taking action steps required to go to war the goal. You become fearful of making mistakes and sometimes will not even try.

What to Do: Withholding your ideas does not serve anyone. Your idea could be the game changer that helps you reach the next level or transform approach if you might be working on. Whether it be that you have a fear of success, change, uncertainty, loss of control, or failure, know that you can take 100% responsibility for the choices that you make. Seek to gain more information and ask questions. Remember indecision is a decision. When you’re setting goals, evaluate the risks and be prepared for obstacles that don’t focus on. Focus on what you have control over and the actions steps that you can do. If mistakes occur, learn from them and move forward. Dwelling on them steals your energy and joy in moving toward the destination.

# 5 The Belief That Goal-Setting Stifles Creativity. For the creatives out there, you may see goal-setting is suffocating with tight deadlines and the need to multitask. The structure of goal setting can actually be beneficial to you so that you’re not distracted by all the other ideas that are streaming through your mind at any point in time.

“Every creative person, and I think probably every other person, faces resistance when they are trying to create something good…The harder the resistance, the more important the task must be.”
― Donald Miller

What to Do: Be open and present to new opportunities while pursuing a goal. Look for ways that a can in rich and allow for creativity along your journey. Know that there will be adjustments along the way. As you adjust be aware of your distractions, stay focused on the direction that you want to go. When creative people become resistant, it important to engage them in brainstorming and coming up with solutions. This is where they shine.

#6 Self-Limiting Beliefs Can Sabotage Goal-Setting. A person’s belief in their own ability to perform or deliver on tight deadlines can hold them back from achieving the goal or delivering the final product. Often these individuals lacked confidence in their abilities and sometimes believe that others are better than themselves. This comparison can hold them back from sharing their talents and abilities even if you see that they are capable and competent.

What to Do: Identify your strengths and acknowledge that we all have some limitations. Know what you’re good at and delegate what you do not believe you’re strong at. If you’re managing a team, let these individuals know the value that they bring to the project and that you acknowledge their knowledge, skills, and abilities. People can work harder when they know that someone has taken an interest in who they are and what they have to offer. Don’t just focus on people for the task by what they bring to the table and who they are.

#7 Personal Habits Can Get In The Way. Habits are often underestimated is the reason people resist setting a goal. Some people resist setting the goal because they’re procrastinating. They avoid goal setting versus setting up a strategic approach to conquering the goal. For some, they may believe that it will take up too much time, too much money, or it’s going to take away from their lives in some way. There are times when I believed people avoid setting goals because they know that setting a goal requires hard work and they just don’t want to put that work in. Some of these people do just enough to get by. Other habits that get in the way of goal achievement and goal setting are perfection, lack of attention to detail, distractions, and being overscheduled. Don’t forget a person’s attitude can forecast their altitude!

What to Do: Examine your habits and determine if they are serving you are holding you back. Ask yourself or the resistor if they may be procrastinating or what they may be trying to avoid. Learn how much time, money, and effort is required for each milestone dedicated toward the goal. Along the way, put out the following questions:

What is working?

What is not working?

What do I need to stop doing?

What needs to be improved?

What can I be doing differently?

No matter if you are managing your own resistance or the resistance of another person, there are ways to motivate and encourage individuals to raise their standards while also holding them accountable for their actions. Self-reflection is an important part of a person’s growth. It allows for self-awareness, self-management, and self-development. People cannot improve what they’re not aware of.

My challenge for anyone facing resistance is that you challenge your assumptions and assumptions of others. Resistance means that you must be curious and gain an understanding of what is being resisted. Discover new perspectives and realize that there are more ways to achieving the desired outcome. Trust your people and trust the process along the way.

DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. Debra is the host of The Millionaire Woman Show podcast helping people live rich from the inside out through leadership, business, and human potential. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. Her writing has been published in a variety of print and online magazines. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. Sign up the Success Secrets Newsletter and get your free mp3 download today! www.debrakasowski.com

3 Reasons You Should Hire a Coach to Help You Manage Your Next Project

November 4, 2016 by Debra Kasowski Leave a Comment

Whether you are a project manager or a member of a team, coaching can help you navigate the challenges you face. There are many roles and responsibilities and expected results. It takes each member of the team to take full responsibility for their actions to move towards making the vision of the project a reality. Project managers are challenged with leading teams through projects with tight deadlines and increasing demands with decreasing resources. Strong leadership skills are needed to ensure that priorities are tended to before a whirlwind of urgent requests interferes with execution.

A coach is someone who acts as your thinking partner or sounding board who helps you uncover solutions by asking thought-provoking questions to overcome the challenges you face when working on a project. The fundamental premise underlying coaching is that you already have the answers within. A coach helps you generate solutions and identify resources. Coaches can accelerate your effectiveness and improve your collaboration efforts to get the outcomes you want. The agenda of the conversation is yours.

Strengthen Your Capacity as a Leader. In order to lead others, you need to be able to lead yourself. As you improve leading yourself, you can better lead others by creating a compelling vision in which your team would like to be a part of. A coach can help you identify your strengths and leverage the strengths and skills of your team members. The coach helps you challenge your assumptions to gain new perspectives. A leader needs to have the ability to motivate the members of the team and empower the team members by asking questions to engage the team in coming up with solutions that mitigate risks. Not only are you mitigating risk, you are encouraging ownership of results. It demonstrates that you trust your team members in providing solutions. This confidence in your people leads to increased productivity and morale.

Mitigate Risks. A coach can ask insightful questions as you progress through the milestones of a project. The most important time to ask is – before the project even starts. It is imperative to collaborate with your team members as they may hold the key to the solutions you need. As the leader, you do not need to know all the answers. You need to know what resources are available and how to mobilize them if required.

What could possibly go wrong in this project?

How can we mitigate or decrease the risk?

What are some potential scenarios that could come up?

What can we do to manage the risks and move forward?

“Whenever you want to achieve something, keep your eyes open, concentrate and make sure you know exactly what it is you want. No one can hit their target with their eyes closed.”
― Paulo Coelho

Ask the Right Questions to Clearly Define the Right Goals or Objectives. One of the greatest challenges you face managing a project is that your goals are not clearly defined so there is no target to aim at. A coach can ask you questions that will assist you and your team in define the right goals to get the results that you want. By asking the right questions, you can establish specific goals, break them down into manageable pieces, and create measurable outcomes. With clearly defined goals, you will be able to articulate and prioritize your needs, expectations, and resources.

Coaching can play a significant role in getting the results you desire in a more efficient and effective way. A coach can you help brainstorm new ideas and maintain focus and direction with the right goals in place by leveraging your strengths and making an impact.