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In this podcast, we’re diving into a topic that’s essential for both life and leadership; setting boundaries. This episode is all about empowering ourselves to establish healthy limits, and why they’re crucial for maintaining healthy relationships, both personally and professionally. Boundaries need to be set proactively not reactively. It’s about establishing them before issues arise. #boundaries #wellbeing #success
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“We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.”
― Henry Cloud
Boundaries are set to create clear separations between yourself and others. They are created so you can honour your needs and self respect. When you set boundaries, you are telling others what you want and what to expect. The best way to set boundaries is to do some self-reflection. Pay attention to how you feel. Do you feel stress? Resentful? Angry? Frustrated? Taken Advantage of? You need to give yourself the permission to take care of you first.
Pay attention to your own thoughts before you take notice of others. Your first step in setting boundaries may mean that you need to shut down your own negative thinking. Are you taking things personally? Do you believe that your circumstance is permanent? If so, you are stuck in a rut. You will not find a way out until you shift your thinking and realize that a persona’s response comes from their own experiences and perception. You need to discover what that is and challenge any assumptions you may be having and get some clarification. There may be a misunderstanding. Life is fluid. Good and bad circumstances are temporary. The way you choose to respond and the choices you make will determine how long you stay in that state. Choose to do nothing and the longer you will be there. Choose to take action and you will have progress.
Identify what drains you. If you are not sure whether you need to set some boundaries, consider the people and places that drain you. The places may be noisy, dirty, or cluttered. The people may be miserable, gossipers, or complainers. They complain about their spouses or partners or they speak poorly about others identifying every flaw they can find. They complain about their boss. You may have increased demands placed on you because you are the expert in a certain area. These people may even be family members that call you to see if you can run errands, after all, if you work at home you must not be doing anything. At some point, you need to stop the madness!
Know you core values. Not only do you make better decisions when you know your core values, you can set boundaries more effectively because you know what you stand for. You know what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not willing to tolerate. Use your core values as your guideposts. If someone violates one of your core values, they need to know that there is a consequence. For example, if someone cheats or steals, they may be fired from a job or have criminal charges placed on them. Your values drive your results.
Remember you cannot change others, you can only change yourself. In Dr. Henry Cloud’s book, Boundaries for Leaders, he talks about how leaders get what they allow. You can choose to respond or reactive to any given circumstance. The one thing you can do to change the way you act toward them is to provide direct honest heart to heart communication. I know some organizations do like to talk about matters of the heart, however, being heart centred is about allowing people to express themselves and have a voice.
Here’s what you can do. If you do not like how someone is treating you, you can use the communication method often taught in emotional intelligence.
When you…
I feel…
What I want…
You start to focus on facts, express how you are feeling, and set expectations for the future. People will start changing their behavior and outcomes when they understand how it impacts others. I have used this method on many occasions and it saves many relationships. People often avoid sharing how it impacts them and what their needs are because they fear how the other person will react. I want to remind you what you think and feel is important. If you do not express yourself, you may become resentful because you feel taken advantage of. Communicate what you want and need. Others will respect you for setting limitations and feel that they have the permission to do the same.
Decide what the consequences are if someone crosses the line. If someone says that they are going to deliver on something and they don’t, there needs to be some consequence. A person’s actions should be stronger than their word to demonstrate how committed they are to your wants and needs. Consequences do not have to be negative. A positive consequence can be holding someone accountable for their actions and demonstrating that you believe in their capacity to change and become a leader. The consequence of not achieving a goal can be a positive consequence that also motivates a person to put in the work required to get there.
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
Setting boundaries takes courage and practice. It gets easier over time. When people set boundaries, it creates a safe environment in which people feel comfortable to share and express themselves. By clearing communicating and setting boundaries, you will be able to be present and calm in the moment. Your quality of life also improves. You sleep better and face fewer distractions and you can separate events or circumstances from overflowing into what you are doing.
It is not “if” someone will cross your boundaries, it will be, “When?” How will you decide handle it?
We would love to have you subscribe to the Success Secrets newsletter on my website at www.debrakasowski.com where you’re going to get us free MP3 download 10 Surefire Strategies to Power Up Your Productivity and Performance. I would love to hear about this podcast has impacted your life. E-mail me at Debra@DebraKasowski.com. Thank you for listening to The Millionaire Woman Show where we talk about leadership, business, and human potential to help you live rich from the inside out. Subscribe to The Millionaire Woman Show. Share it with Your Friends. Give us a 5-star rating!
DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. Her writing has been published in a variety of print and online magazines. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. Sign up the Success Secrets Newsletter and get your free mp3 download today! www.debrakasowski.com
The quest for work-life balance and ‘having it all’ can be a disillusion for many as they work long hours trying to give equal attention to each area of their lives. Not only is this disappointing, it leaves people literally exhausted and feeling over-extended. People are shuttling children to and from activities, cleaning house, buying groceries, making meals, writing reports and blog posts while making meals, and balancing the budget. They have become so task-oriented that they are no longer pursuing and living a life of significance and meaning. What was once a mission to achieve meaningful goals and leave a legacy has now left individuals disinterested and forgetting why they were on their mission altogether.
When everything around you seems to be falling apart, it is time to step back and take a look at what is going on around you and re-evaluate. There are no easy solutions or one-size fits all solutions. You are a work in progress and what works for you may not work for others. You can adjust your plan as you go. What’s most important is that you honour who you are and what you want in your life. Remember balancing your commitments does not mean that you need to give equal attention to everything. Most of the time is comes down to dedicating some quality time versus worrying about the quantity of time you have.
Decide what ‘having it all’ means to you. What do you want to be, do, and have in your life? What are you willing to sacrifice or put aside for the time being as you focus on a different priority?
Know what your “WHY” is. What motivates you to go after your dreams and goals? What is behind your actions? What are you hoping to achieve?
“If you know the why, you can live any how.
― Friedrich Nietzsche
Make tough decisions around your priorities. Even though you do not want to out on a social engagement, you know family movie night is important to you. Sometimes you must miss out on good to achieve the great things that you want in your life. When you are clear on what is important to you; it is easy to make the right decision for you. Make a list of your top 5 priorities. They say you can tell a person’s priorities by what they worry about. What do you worry about? What do you focus on most? Tough decisions are easy when you know your priorities – everything seems to fall into place.
Learn to stand up and speak up for what you want and need. People are not mind-readers; they do not know what you want and need. You need to get in the habit of asking – asking questions to gain more information or asking for help. The most successful people in this world did not do it alone. They have had help along the way.
Delegate where possible. You may say, “But no one does it as good as me!” Although this may be true, are you using your time most effectively? Can you block off smaller increments of time over the week to do household chores instead of spending your whole Saturday cleaning the house and running errands? Can you hire someone to clean house or order your groceries online and then pick them up or have them delivered? Can you ask the kids to help with things that you usually do? Remember you are teaching them great life skills!
“If you want to do a few small things right, do them yourself. If you want to do great things and make a big impact, learn to delegate.”
― John C. Maxwell
You want to be focusing where your strengths lie. If it takes you two hours to hem one pair of pants, wouldn’t it be easier to get a tailor to do the job? No matter what you are doing, you are making these choices based on time, money, resources, and your beliefs about “how things should be.” Is it really how things should be? What if you came up with a “new normal” of the way you believe things should be? Would you be happier or more satisfied?
Make self-care a priority. Eat healthy meals and get regular exercise. The body you have is the only one you got so look after it. Your body does amazing things and gives you the support needed to function but it needs its rest too. Sleep does wonders for us. When you get enough sleep, you deal with life stressors much easier than if you were exhausted. You think more clearly and are not apt to jump to conclusions as easy.
Tap into your support system. When you get caught up in the hustle and bustle of work, life, and family, it can be easy to take what is important to you for granted. Communication is key. Share your goals and dreams with those most important to you. Let them know how important they are to you. Make time to support them with their goals too. They will be more apt to help you as well.
Choose to have an attitude of gratitude. The whirlwind of daily activities and financial strain can leave people feeling helpless and that their world has gotten out of control. They become resentful when things get in between what they want and what is currently happening. Remember that everything around you is based on choices you have made. What can you be grateful for?
There are some external forces influencing some of the outcomes but overall you are responsible for the results you have received. Instead of being resentful, be grateful and trust that you are exactly where you need to be now. Look for the lesson. Do you need to evaluate spending habits? Do you need to get rid of clutter? Do you need to ask for or give forgiveness? Maybe the flat tire you had kept you at home to avoid a major accident on the highway. The missed opportunity made room for a new opportunity that you otherwise would not have been available for.
Set clear boundaries of what you can take on and what you will not take on. There are people in our lives who can make their emergencies ours if we let them. You have one life to live – make sure you are doing what you want and need to do for yourself. Help people along the way but don’t just drop everything for fear of people getting upset with you or you feel obligated to. Choose a time that works best for you and does not take you away from your own priorities. Priorities change depending on the given situation; you core values of what you believe in do not.
Live with intention. Make a plan but be okay with adjusting as you need to. Be kind to yourself. Block off dedicated time to work on what you need to get done. Block off free time in your calendar for self-care and separate time for family or date nights.
You can have it all. You first need to define what “having it all means”. Be clear on your priorities and make your decisions based on your priorities. You will not be disappointed. Make plans and take intentional actions to achieve what you want and need. You can have it. And if it backfires, take a step back and re-evaluate again! Stay committed to what you want and need to make an impact and live a life of significance!
DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. Her writing has been published in a variety of print and online magazines. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. Sign up the Success Secrets Newsletter and get your free mp3 download today! www.debrakasowski.com
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When a person travels their view of the world expands. This past weekend I watched the movie “Sully” where Tom Hanks played the lead pilot. It was about the “Miracle on the Hudson” where a plane lands in the river versus heading back to it nearby airport runway.
As I was watching the movie, I was reminded by the safety messages that many of us take for granted at the beginning of the flight. It is routine; however, these checklists are important in ensuring our safety. These routine checklists remind us that we need to put our own oxygen masks on first. We need to look after ourselves before we can serve others.
Are you looking after yourself first? It is so easy to over commit and put others’ needs above our own but at the end of the day who truly suffers? Who you want to show up as in the world? What do your actions say about who you are?
Helping yourself shows up in many ways.
1) Take 100% responsibility for your contribution in making a difference in the world around you.
All too often in businesses and in organizations people tend to think that someone owes them. They believe that others are responsible for the delivery of what they would want to happen. Businesses and organizations are only one piece of the puzzle. When you cast blame or complain than another person or group of people owes you, you give away your power. This power is yours. You have the ability to make a difference by contributing in your own way. Your contribution may be as simple as having a one-on-one conversation or more complex like creating a movement through social media.
How are you promoting your business, your organization, or even your profession? Why do others want to join you?
As my colleague, multi- Emmy Award Winner and Nobel Peace Prize nominee, Dr. Shawne Duperon, would say, “What are you broadcasting?”
2) Examine your habits.
What habits are helping you move forward? What habits are holding you back?
Get at least eight hours of sleep a night.
Exercise 30 to 60 min. a day.
Eat healthy foods.
Drink at least 6 to 8 glasses of water a day.
Prepare in advance for your meetings.
Commit to reading 20 min. a day.
Plan out your week in advance with the flexibility to adjust where is needed.
Reward yourself for meeting your goals.
Follow-up with new prospects within 24 hours of meeting them.
Review your profit and losses weekly.
Balance your check book and review bank statements.
Avoid eating out too frequently.
All of these activities are ways in which you are helping yourself.
3) Learn To Say “No” To Others So You Can Take Care Of Yourself
It is way too easy to dismiss the commitment that we had with ourselves to go to the gym or spend time cleaning up the clutter in order to help another person. Over time you may see results from when you didn’t take care of yourself. These can show up in forms of being overweight, exhausted, illness, or even anxiety because you couldn’t find what you needed to.
Setting boundaries and understanding what you will tolerate and not tolerate is important. You must clearly communicate your wants and needs to others. If you spend more time pleasing others, you will neglect your own wants and needs. You may get frustrated or irritated.
By saying “no” to others, you are actually saying “yes” to yourself! By taking care of yourself first, you will then be replenished so that you can serve others in the way that you want and are able to do. Ensure that you’re taking time to reward yourself for your accomplishments and acknowledge how far you’ve come.
4) Invest in Your Personal Growth
Taking time and money to invest in yourself leads to an unlimited return on investment. You may advance academically or work with a personal trainer. Maybe you decided to learn from a Yogi in India or take a watercolours class. No matter what you choose to do in the process you learn more about yourself and how you interact in the world. You may get a job promotion, develop meaningful relationships, or become a famous artist. A world of possibilities opens up when you invest in yourself. Personal investment equals to personal fulfillment.
5) Allow for Another Person’s Growth
As someone who enjoys helping others, I sometimes forget that if I jump in and do for someone they are unable to learn and grow. You can’t help people by doing everything for people. Let them take responsibility for their actions and also learn from consequences – 
unless they are in danger of course. Instead, ask questions and be there for support when and as needed. Many learn from taking action and adjusting their course as they move forward.
By helping yourself first, you will be better able to help others when your needs are met first. Remember to put your oxygen mask on first. Live on purpose!
We would love to have you subscribed to the Success Secrets newsletter on my website at www.debrakasowski.com where you’re going to get us free MP3 download 10 Surefire Strategies to Power Up Your Productivity and Performance. I would love to hear about this podcast has impacted your life. E-mail me at Debra@DebraKasowski.com. Thank you for listening to The Millionaire Woman Show where we talk about leadership, business, and human potential to help you live rich from the inside out. Subscribe to The Millionaire Woman Show. Share it with Your Friends. Give us a 5-star rating!
DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. Her writing has been published in a variety of print and online magazines. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. Sign up the Success Secrets Newsletter and get your free mp3 download today! www.debrakasowski.com
Time: 08:10 min
Keywords: help yourself first, setting boundaries, return on investment, invest in yourself, oxygen complex, put yourself first, help yourself before you help others, love yourself, start putting yourself first, put your oxygen on first, putting yourself first is not selfish, learn to say no
Sometimes the term “boundary” receives a negative connotation due to a meaning a limit and restriction. Boundaries are necessary in business in order to be more effective and productive with their time, money, and resources. Business owners often think that potential and current customers will be read held by a company or organization that has boundaries; however, this is not true.
“Time is the most valuable coin in your life. You and you alone will determine how that coin will be spent. Be careful that you do not let other people spend it for you.”
― Carl Sandburg
Here are three ways that you can get started by establishing boundaries in your business:
Set office hours. An open door policy is great but it can also take up a lot of time when conversations are more social rather than about business. Connecting with people is important however consider having a time limit on the social aspect and focus on the business at hand. For anyone working from home, boundaries are important because many people who see you working at home think that you are either not working or have the flexibility to change her schedule at a moment’s notice. Even though you may have the flexibility, you don’t want to fall into the habit of changing up your schedule. You need to stay committed to the time that you block off for yourself and the people you serve. This time blocking technique can also be used to the time set aside for spending time with family and friends and exercise.
Boundaries to consider:
Business is business. Friendship is friendship. You have grown your business to where it is now. You put in long hours may have spent a lot of money and time on training and suddenly people want to start picking your brain and they’re asking for extras. I learned a long time ago that this devalues a person’s worth. Even though you want to help a friend, you do need to set boundaries. You’re in business to make money and not to give away your content and knowledge for free. Chances are the other person will not be sharing or providing their service or product for free. There has to be a win-win otherwise people will take advantage of you. There are ways to create a win-win through volunteering or trading services. It is up to you what you want to share and help with. Remember your worth and value in the marketplace. Teach people how to treat you and when you’re in business you are there to serve but also to make money otherwise is just a hobby.
“The most important distinction anyone can ever make in their life is between who they are as an individual and their connection with others.”
― Anné Linden, Boundaries in Human Relationships: How to Be Separate and Connected
Boundaries to consider:
Learn to say no. You need to set clear expectations about what you are willing and able to do in your business versus what you can do. Just because you have a skill set that doesn’t mean you should be doing it all. Delegation is a key strength to increasing productivity and boosting performance in business. Not only are you saying no to things that you need to stop doing, you are also saying no to activities and tasks that do not utilize your strengths. Focusing on your strengths improve your business.
“if you want to live an authentic, meaningful life, you need to master the art of disappointing and upsetting others, hurting feelings, and living with the reality that some people just won’t like you. It may not be easy, but it’s essential if you want your life to reflect your deepest desires, values, and needs.”
― Cheryl Richardson, The Art of Extreme Self-Care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time
Boundaries to consider:
Setting boundaries not only teaches people how to treat you. Boundaries help you establish guidelines for yourself for what you are willing to do and what you’re not willing to do. Therefore you’re not compromising your core values. The clearer you are on who you are and what your company represents, the more respect you earn.
Although this seems a bit stringent, you will find that more people will actually be attracted to your business and find it more appealing because you offer structure, you have rules in which everyone will be treated the same, you abide by core values, and you are professional and respectful in your approach.
DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. Her writing has been published in a variety of print and online magazines. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. Sign up the Success Secrets Newsletter and get your free mp3 download today! www.debrakasowski.com