We have so many thoughts that go through our heads throughout the day. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Research states that people tend to think more negatively than positively. Learn how your thinking influences your attitudes and outcomes.
How to Receive Feedback Well – Even When You Do Not Like It!
Let’s face it sometimes receiving feedback is not all it’s cracked up to be.
Many of us have been in situations where individuals feel they must share unsolicited feedback about our parenting style, facilitation skills, the work that we do, how we drive a car, and even how we golf. Feedback can come from all directions. Some feedback is delivered with good intention and some perhaps not so much.
In Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen’s book, Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback (*even when its off base, unfair, poorly delivered, frankly you’re not in the mood), they discuss how people and organizations focus on improving the delivery of effective feedback versus how a person receives feedback. Just as the giver is offering their own perspective of a situation, the person who receives the feedback makes an interpretation. The problem lies in the fact that the giver and receiver may not see eye to eye. Has this ever happened to you?
Feedback can come from people who do not have the knowledge, skills, expertise, or experiences you do. They may not have kids. They mean never have had to deal with poor performers or productivity issues. They may never have run a business but what they do have is their “advice – welcomed or not” or “research”. You may not find these people credible or the delivery of their feedback totally off course. You may be quick to discard it with a “What do they know?” comment. However, you may be discarding it too soon. Take time to consider the value of their offering and learn to ask the right questions. Are they offering you a viewpoint you may have not seen or heard before? Life experience may be the greatest teacher.
Stone and Heen believe that feedback comes in three forms: appreciation, coaching, and evaluation. We all love to hear words of praise and appreciation; however, if that is all you received how will you learn, grow, or challenge yourself to a new level? It all comes down to whether or not you are open and willing to receive feedback by consider its merits.
When receiving the feedback, ask yourself: “Is this feedback to help me improve or am I being evaluated? If evaluation is first to come to your mind, chances are your body stiffened up and you may have even been put on the defensive. If you decided it was coaching in which you are receiving information to improve yourself, your body may have had a more relaxed posture. It is important for the receiver to understand where this feedback is coming from and where it is going. “Does this feedback help me get better outcomes?”
Take time to seek and understand their intention. Making assumptions leaves too much room for misinterpretation. What is the meaning behind the feedback? How was it intended?
By asking more questions, you can decide whether the feedback you receive has any merit or not. You can reject it if it has no validity.
Put your guard down and use feedback as a growth opportunity. Learning how to receive feedback well can improve your relationships, your teams, and your overall mindset.
There may be a diamond under all the rough and jagged edges. All you have to do is polish it out.
What techniques do you have in receiving feedback well?
3 Reasons to Challenge the Resistors of Change
Change is a constant; it represents progress and forward momentum. Change keeps ideas fresh, innovative and creative. Change brings life.
One of the most challenging things I’ve faced as a positive change agent is people who are resistant to change. There are individuals who challenge any new idea or concept. In my work with Appreciative Inquiry, I have noticed that people with positive mindset will look forward to positive change, whereas those with a negative mindset or doubtful mindset will look for all the reasons why something won’t work. The latter group of individuals can’t seem to try something new or accept an approach unless they test it themselves. A common statement from these individuals is, “It is all great in theory.” This statement used to bother me; however, I have learned that this is one person’s perspective. It is important for me to understand the merits of their perspective and seeing how I may challenge their assumptions that may be preventing them from moving forward with positive change.
Here are three reasons why it’s important to challenge those resisters:
- People often get attached to the old way of doing things. Some people are threatened by new approaches and are concerned about how this change may affect them. As the facilitator of positive change, it is important for you to help these individuals acknowledge the old ways of doing things and also demonstrate how they can implement new ways which can improve their current reality.
- Some people need to see proof. Kendra Cherry, a psychology expert, wrote a fantastic article on about.com entitled “What is a Theory?” that challenges the statement “It is all great in theory.” She states, “A theory is a based upon a hypothesis and backed by evidence. A theory presents a concept or idea that is testable. In science, a theory is not merely a guess. A theory is a fact-based framework for describing a phenomenon. In psychology, theories are used to provide a model for understanding human thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.” Imagine if Thomas Edison stopped testing his theory of the light bulb; where would we be today? Theories need to be repeatedly tested in order to be considered principles to help explain the results or outcomes achieved.
Perhaps, it is the microwave mentality; people don’t believe in the concept unless they see immediate proof. However, some outcomes may be quick wins, whereas other outcomes need to develop over time. Actions need to be taken to implement the ideas brought forward.
Appreciative Inquiry is a road map of an ongoing process supporting positive change. This concept or approach has been tested and proven for over 30 years and has helped improve the businesses and organizations globally.
- Some people think they have tried something similar before and it will not work. It is important to emphasize that just because you have tried something similar before does not mean it will not work. You are not the same person you were when the last attempt was. Chances are the ideas were shelved from the last attempt. Let’s say the attempt was a year ago. The people of the organization and where the organization is, is not the same as a year ago. It is my hope that the people were developing themselves both personally and professionally. They have more confidence and competence because they have faced conflict, gained new knowledge, and lived through new experiences. The people or the culture of the organization may have changed too. The ideas presented way back when may have been before there time, therefore, it is definitely worth trying again. Who knows – it might be you who facilitates a major breakthrough.
What one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned that it is sometimes we just need to trust the process and let the theories unfold into results. There is an element of uncertainty and it is okay. Not everyone is okay with uncertainty, therefore, results are key. Positive change does not occur without positive action steps toward what you really want to see. Even though, you may have to adjust your actions along the way the results that you get may be better than you ever imagined. When you feel yourself resisting, step out of your comfort zone and challenge your resistance to change. It may be your greatest breakthrough.
The Game Changer You Cannot Succeed Without
Have you ever heard someone say, “I can tell if you will succeed in life within a five-minute conversation.” If you have, you will know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, let me tell you how.
I love talking with people but what really gets my juices flowing is learning about what gets people excited about their lives-what they are passionate about. I am a very curious person by nature and I can pick up on whether person will succeed or not. I will not say they will never succeed because as human beings we are always works in progress; however, until these people make a shift in their habits, thinking, and behavior, they may be working hard but not having their personal breakthroughs.
The game changing quality that you must have in life to succeed is personal accountability. When you have personal accountability, you can change your life.
The first indicator of whether or not you will succeed is your mindset. Are you a victim or a victor? A person with the victim mindset resolves to complaining, blaming, and making excuses for not achieving the results that they want. It is always another person’s fault for their lack of achievement. The victim is usually judgmental, pessimistic, or resentful. They avoid any challenge that may not lead to guaranteed success. A victor, on the other hand, is someone who takes 100% responsibility for their actions and behaviors. A victor will “own their stuff”; they own their words and also reflect on how they are responsible for their own outcomes. They are open-minded, optimistic, and willing to take on challenges to learn and grow.
The second indicator is whether or not the person takes ownership of their thoughts, feelings, and above all, actions. When I talk about personal ownership, I’m not talking about material goods. I am talking about taking that 100% responsibility for what you say and what you do. You only get in life what you put out into the world. You must be willing to put the effort it takes to get what you want. The same holds true for relationships. If each individual in a relationship is only putting 50% effort then they should expect mediocre outcomes. Whereas, if each individual is giving 100% effort into the relationship, the relationship will flourish. The same holds true for your goals in life, your career, or business. The results you get are dependent on the efforts put in.
The third indicator is a person’s attitude. People often forget that attitude is a choice. A successful person knows that setbacks are temporary. They are moments to pause, reflect, and learn from. Sometimes, you need to course correct when things didn’t go your way. By choosing a positive outlook and a “quitting is not an option” attitude, you will increase your chances of being successful. A positive unstoppable attitude allows you to be open-minded and look for the possibilities and opportunities.
In a 5 minute conversation, you can tell if someone chooses to be a victim or a victor. You can tell if they take responsibility for their actions and behaviors. You can tell if they have an unstoppable mindset and if they are determined to succeed. Take time to learn about another person’s goal and discover ways you can help them become victorious. If you realized that you must make some changes to your life, know that it’s never too late.
Life is like a game. Let personal accountability be your game changer.
Develop Your Flexibility to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence
How successful one is in life depends on how well they master themselves. It is important to have the ability to know who you are objectively and gain an understanding of how others see you. This understanding is not so you change who you are for another person but it is about becoming aware about how your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors influence others.
It is said with age a person becomes stuck in their ways and they are often unaware of their own inflexibility. In today’s world of constant change, there is no room to not be adaptable to circumstance. If you don’t become curious about your changing environment, you may get left behind. By becoming adaptable, you create options for yourself and open your mind to possibility of something better.
It is too easy to fall in to the trap of certainty and remained at the apron strings of our comfort zone. When someone suggests a new way of doing things or offers you feedback, look at what they shared as information for improvement and consider its merits. The offering may just be what you have been looking for.
One of the most valuable ways to develop your flexibility is to challenge your assumptions and re-frame your negative self talk. When new situations arise, our negative self talk tends to take over. The self talk overrides and plant seeds of doubt.
You may hear phrases like:
“What makes you believe you can do that.”
“You can’t do that, you are too _________.”
“You don’t have what it takes.” (money, skills, abilities, knowledge, etc)
“You never finish what you start.”
Instead of listening and agreeing to this negative self-talk, start with rejecting it. You can hear it but it does not mean you have to live it and believe it! Change things up – plant new seeds of hope and belief.
“Yes, I believe I can do that.”
“Yes, I can.”
“I have all I need inside of me.”
“I will finish this. I know I can.”
When you re-frame your negative self talk, you change your own beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors to match which you believe. If you become too rigid in your ways, you close yourself off to different ideas and practices. By being tunneled visioned, you may loose your breakthrough opportunity.
You can train yourself to become more flexible in how you approach new situations. Be open to change and learn about the world around you. Be curious and nonjudgmental. Gather information and adapt to the situation as needed. You need to be able to evaluate and shift your priorities in order to navigate your way to success.
Does a simple change in routine create anger and frustration? How you react or respond to change will differ with each situation you encounter. Improving your flexibility has to do with letting go of the little things. Discover the little things that trigger you. Minimize their impact.Sometimes, it is about learning to detach from the outcomes and becoming adaptable to situations as they arise.
Your emotional intelligence increases by how adaptable and flexible you are to situations. Change can be good – change is progress. Be willing to stretch and try new things. If something does not go as you would like, adjust your plan and make it happen or change the plan.