Debra Kasowski

EPISODE 23: Learn to Intentionally Listen and Learn

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Episode 23 – Learn to Intentionally Listen and Learn

“The world is giving you answer each day. Learn to listen.” – Unknown

There is a significant difference between hearing and listening. I discovered the best definition of the differences on a website called The Difference Between, “Hearing is the act of perceiving and receiving sound waves or vibrations through the ear. Listening is the act of hearing a sound and understanding what you hear.”

Do you know someone who hears that you’re speaking but never seems to be listening?

I think we all know someone like that. It can become frustrating and lead to arguments and disagreements especially emphasizing that they weren’t listening.

WE REMEMBER
10% of what we read
20% of what we hear
30% of what we see
50% of what we see and hear
70% of what we discuss with others
80% of what we personally experience
95% of what we teach others

– Edgar Dale

Studies have shown that we remember approximately 25 to 50% of what we hear. I find this statistic shocking. It is the time we do something different. It is the time that we become intentional with our listening so we can learn. How much more would you accomplish if you took the time to truly listen?

“We have two ears and one mouth and we should use them proportionally.”
― Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

One of the principles of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People written by Stephen Covey states, “Seek First to Understand, Then To Be Understood”. Intentional listening begins when we focus and listen to what the other person is saying. It is the ability to put aside any distracting thoughts and truly be present. If we listen to our own thoughts we’re going to want to interrupt the other person and share our ideas or solutions of what we have done because we have this fear of losing our thoughts. This is where the arguments and disagreements come in because are thinking too far ahead and were not really listening to what is being said.

Arguments and disagreements are a reactive approach to conversation versus a responsive approach. When emotions are high, our brains move into a “fight or flight” response. Your amygdala, a small area of your brain, reacts to protect you and shuts down other areas of the brain that would otherwise analyze the threats. Psychologist Daniel Goleman refers to this as the boiling over point or that amygdala hijack where the intelligent part of your brain is no longer in control and you no longer reason with what’s being said. You cannot often reason with someone who is gone past their boiling point. You can learn to choose the words that you use to meet a person where they are at and truly listen to understand where they’re coming from, what their expectations are, what their hopes and fears are to really gain a clear picture of a situation.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change

How Do I Begin?

There is so much more to listening than keeping your mouth closed and being silent. When you’re listening you are coming from a place of being nonjudgmental and simply curious about what the other person is saying. You let them know that you’re engaged through your body language by nodding your head and maintaining eye contact with them while they speak to demonstrate an interest in what they’re saying. You wait for the person who’s speaking for a pause to ask questions regarding what they said or to clarify what you been reading between the lines. You may paraphrase what they’ve said to ensure that your understanding what they’re saying.

Another way to truly understand what a person is saying is by putting yourself in another person’s shoes, being empathetic, and try to gain an understanding of what they might be thinking and feeling. You might want to repeat facts that you’ve heard or knowledge their emotions. You may say something like, “I am trying to get a sense of how you’re feeling … Are you feeling __________?” to ensure your perceptions are correct. When you do this you make people feel like they’re the most important person in the world and at the moment they should be if you’re truly listening.

justlistenamazonbookThe book Just Listen: Discover The Secret To Getting Through To Absolutely Anyone by Dr. Mark Goulston is one of the best books out there on the topic of listening. He shares strategies and techniques that are designed to help you successfully communicate with anyone. He has trained the FBI and police hostage negotiators to handle life or death situations. The same tips and techniques can be used by you. One of the techniques he describes in the book is called The Persuasion Cycle that was inspired by James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente from Their Trans-Theoretical Model of Change. Dr. Goulston states that you need to speak with a person in a manner that moves them.

  • “From resisting to listening
  • from listening to considering
  • from considering to willing to do
  • from willing to do to doing
  • from doing to glad they did it and continue doing.”

He believes that you can get through to absolutely anyone when you can have them buy into what you’re saying and it all stems back to listening.

Where Does it All Begin

You must truly understand yourself, your emotions, and what triggers you to react and circumstances versus respond. One of the things that Dr. Goulston says, “If you want to open the lines of communication, you must open your mind first.” It begins with suspending all judgment. When you remove judgment, everyone is on equal playing field and your mind is open to the possibilities.

One of the acronyms that we used in my coaching program was W.A.I.T.

TMW_PDFclickhere.fw“Why Am I Talking?”

If you start talking while another person is speaking, no one is listening. You learn so much more when you spend time listening intentionally.

When is Listening Important?

Listening is important in everything we do. Intentional listening can prevent misunderstandings, de-escalate and resolve conflict, discover solutions to problems. Listening is important in parenting in understanding the needs of your child.

Listening is important in leadership to learn what your people want and need. We need to learn a person’s preferences. An introvert may have different needs than an extrovert. The Disney Institute had an article about intentional listening in the workplace. They stated the importance of learning people’s preferences and gaining an understanding of whether they like to work individually or in a team or in a combination of both. By learning this information you can better suit the person to the role and the responsibilities that they need to fulfill. They will be more likely to be successful if they’re working in their preference. Resistance occurs when we have people doing things that do not suit them or do not align with who they are.

Listening is important in sales and understanding your customers wants and needs and learning whether or not you have the ability to fulfill them. When customers have complaints or want to vent, this is a great opportunity for learning. For when someone complains events about a situation, they often have a picture of what the ideal situation would be. It is up to you to learn what that is. If you listen with sincerity and interest in what they are saying, you may be able to resolve conflict easily and create a win-win situation.

Why is listening important to you? What are you listening to? What do you need to be listening for? Where in your life do you need to be more intentional with your listening?

Be intentional with your listening. There is more to listening that what you are hearing. When you listen to podcasts like this one, grab the show notes when you can. Choose to take action or integrate one of your learnings into who you are or how you want to show up in the world.

There is a big difference between what you hear and what you listen to learn and understand!

I would love to hear about how intentionally listening has impacted your life. E-mail me at Debra@DebraKasowski.com. Thank you for listening to The Millionaire Woman Show where we talk about leadership, business, and human potential to help you live rich from the inside out. Subscribe to The Millionaire Woman Show. Give us a 5-star rating! Sign up for our Newsletter www.debrakasowski.com

DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. Her writing has been published in a variety of print and online magazines. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. Sign up the Success Secrets Newsletter and get your free mp3 download today! www.debrakasowski.com

 

Time: 12:23 min

How to Become an Effective Leader by Building Resiliency

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You don’t have to go far to learn about some of the challenges people are facing in their businesses and organizations. You just have to turn on the news or look around you. There appears to be a great strain on society today being so busy that they are unable to find equilibrium. People are asked to do more with less. People look busy running from one activity to the next but are they productive? Are they meeting their deadlines or quotas?

The one constant in everyone’s life is change. We are all faced with changes and challenges on a day-to-day basis. One of the greatest challenges that leaders within organizations face is being able to keep up with their workloads while putting out fires that seem to arise. They are taken away from some of their critical work to focus intently on performance issues. Managing people and working with people can sometimes be draining especially when you’re faced with resistance and lack of awareness. Sometimes it feels like no matter how much effort you put into something that you are unable to achieve what you hope to. At times this can be disheartening for a leader to lead because they may lose sight of their focus and the meaning of the work that they were driven to do. Don’t give in and don’t give up! Adapt!

“Life doesn’t get easier or more forgiving, we get stronger and more resilient.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Effective leaders become resilient through self-reflection and an increased self-awareness. Not only are the intellectual but they are emotionally intelligent. Resilience is the characteristic of being able to bounce back in the face of loss or failure. A resilient leader does not play victim to their circumstance. They shift into the mindset of a learner and so can you.

Everything is not in your control so don’t take things personally. Sometimes things in life occur that we do not expect and planning and preparation could not prevent them from occurring. Know that many things occur that are not in your control and it’s not your fault. You can only take ownership of things that you can do something about.

Resilient leaders know that it’s important to continue developing personally and professionally in order to embrace change and challenges. When people face a crisis or cutbacks, one of the first areas that seem to be eliminated is that of personal and professional development. This is a grave mistake as when people are learning and growing they are inspired and can cultivate new ideas and solutions to the challenges that they face. Never stop learning!

A resilient leader knows that it’s imperative to celebrate success even in the midst of a challenge. There is an opportunity to learn from success just as much as failure. Examine steps, processes, and strategies that help you develop success; they can be your greatest tools in helping you navigate some of your roadblocks.

Many of the greatest leaders have demonstrated that it’s important to take the time to recharge and rejuvenate in order to become a resilient leader in bounce back from trying situations. Meditation, prayer, and journaling are just some of the rituals that some of these leaders use to gain clarity on some of the significant situations that they face and eliminate the distractions from seeing clearly. Other leaders enjoy going for a walk in nature or a run to clear their mind.

Resilient leaders know that it is important to focus on the type of climate they want to create. They imagine the possibilities and articulate a new vision for the future. They pay attention to the words they use and ensure that they are creating a positive future – a future that taps into the strengths of the people who follow them. They know that open communication is the key to leading the way.

An effective leader knows that they do not have all the answers to every situation that they have the ability to tap into the strengths, opinions, and best experiences of their people. They draw on these perspectives and engage their people in coming up with new ideas in helping provide a solution to the challenges they face. By engaging their people, they know that the people will be intrinsically motivated to move toward a shared vision.

The resilient leader is someone who has been able to develop the skill of managing their own emotions and recover quickly. There are many characteristics and styles of leadership; however, emotional intelligence is a skill that is a must in building resilience.

“Shift your attention, and your emotion shifts. Shift your emotion, and your attention shifts.”
― Frederick Dodson

Optimism helps effective leaders maintain focus on their vision even when faced with setbacks. They choose to look for “what is good or right” about a situation. They know that wherever your intention goes your attention follows. They look on the bright side of every situation looking for the opportunity to learn and grow so that they may become more effective.

Leaders know that it’s important to build and nurture a network of relationships before you need them. When you are in crisis or faced with the challenge, you need to have that support immediately and if you don’t have it is more challenging to get through the tough times. When you build relationships, people are quick to reciprocate and support each other lessening the challenges.

Bouncing back to become the leader you want to be involves remembering your “WHY”. Why do you do the work that you do? Rediscover and connect with what she once was passionate about. See the importance in the work that you do. Your efforts do not go unnoticed although at the time it sometimes feels like it. Know that you are making an impact in this world even if you don’t receive immediate feedback. There will be a tipping point in which your efforts will have compounded and made the biggest difference. Bounce back and be strong – people are looking for a leader like you.

DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. Her writing has been published in a variety of print and online magazines. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. Sign up the Success Secrets Newsletter and get your free mp3 download today! www.debrakasowski.com

3 Reasons to Challenge the Resistors of Change

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Change is a constant; it represents progress and forward momentum. Change keeps ideas fresh, innovative and creative. Change brings life.

One of the most challenging things I’ve faced as a positive change agent is people who are resistant to change. There are individuals who challenge any new idea or concept. In my work with Appreciative Inquiry, I have noticed that people with positive mindset will look forward to positive change, whereas those with a negative mindset or doubtful mindset will look for all the reasons why something won’t work. The latter group of individuals can’t seem to try something new or accept an approach unless they test it themselves. A common statement from these individuals is, “It is all great in theory.” This statement used to bother me; however, I have learned that this is one person’s perspective. It is important for me to understand the merits of their perspective and seeing how I may challenge their assumptions that may be preventing them from moving forward with positive change.

Here are three reasons why it’s important to challenge those resisters:

  1. People often get attached to the old way of doing things. Some people are threatened by new approaches and are concerned about how this change may affect them.   As the facilitator of positive change, it is important for you to help these individuals acknowledge the old ways of doing things and also demonstrate how they can implement new ways which can improve their current reality.

 

  1. Some people need to see proof. Kendra Cherry, a psychology expert, wrote a fantastic article on about.com entitled “What is a Theory?” that challenges the statement “It is all great in theory.” She states, “A theory is a based upon a hypothesis and backed by evidence. A theory presents a concept or idea that is testable. In science, a theory is not merely a guess. A theory is a fact-based framework for describing a phenomenon. In psychology, theories are used to provide a model for understanding human thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.” Imagine if Thomas Edison stopped testing his theory of the light bulb; where would we be today? Theories need to be repeatedly tested in order to be considered principles to help explain the results or outcomes achieved.

Perhaps, it is the microwave mentality; people don’t believe in the concept unless they see immediate proof. However, some outcomes may be quick wins, whereas other outcomes need to develop over time. Actions need to be taken to implement the ideas brought forward.

Appreciative Inquiry is a road map of an ongoing process supporting positive change. This concept or approach has been tested and proven for over 30 years and has helped improve the businesses and organizations globally.

  1. Some people think they have tried something similar before and it will not work. It is important to emphasize that just because you have tried something similar before does not mean it will not work. You are not the same person you were when the last attempt was. Chances are the ideas were shelved from the last attempt. Let’s say the attempt was a year ago. The people of the organization and where the organization is, is not the same as a year ago. It is my hope that the people were developing themselves both personally and professionally. They have more confidence and competence because they have faced conflict, gained new knowledge, and lived through new experiences. The people or the culture of the organization may have changed too. The ideas presented way back when may have been before there time, therefore, it is definitely worth trying again. Who knows – it might be you who facilitates a major breakthrough.

What one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned that it is sometimes we just need to trust the process and let the theories unfold into results. There is an element of uncertainty and it is okay. Not everyone is okay with uncertainty, therefore, results are key. Positive change does not occur without positive action steps toward what you really want to see. Even though, you may have to adjust your actions along the way the results that you get may be better than you ever imagined. When you feel yourself resisting, step out of your comfort zone and challenge your resistance to change. It may be your greatest breakthrough.