Debra Kasowski

Episode 66 – The Driving Force – Pain versus Pleasure Principle

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“One must learn to give up momentary, uncertain and destructive pleasure for delayed, restrained, but dependable pleasure.” Sigmund Freud, Pain-Pleasure Principle 1922

When we’re faced with a decision, we often make choices based on previous experiences and how we link pain or pleasure too. In Tony Robbins’ book, Awaken the Giant Within, he states “if we link massive pain to any behaviour or emotional pattern, we will it avoid indulging in it at all costs. We can use this understanding to harness the force of pain and pleasure to change virtually anything in our lives.”

What is it that you would like to change in your life right now?

Every decision you make is based on whether or not you believe that you are going to experience pain or pleasure. Many people make decisions based on the pleasure or instant gratification they will get rather than the long-term consequences of their decisions. When faced with making a decision, one of the most common techniques to make that decision is to make a list of all the positive outcomes and then another list of the negative outcomes. Pay attention to what you focus on. Is it positive or negative? Don’t let fear hold you back from living a bigger life.

Are you letting your imagination run wild with all the “what if” scenarios playing around in your head?

Is the pain real or imagined?

Remember what you believe and focus your attention on, you will find evidence you need to support it.

What is the payoff of not taking the actions that you know you need to take? What is the real reason that you continue to take the same actions and get the same results?

If you’re not getting the results that you want, it’s time to take different actions. It all starts with recognizing whether or not you are linking pain or pleasure to the action you need to take. What emotions come up for you? Your emotions will drive you toward pain or pleasure. If you are happy, you will take positive actions that support your goals. If you are sad, you may take actions that pull you away from what you want to achieve. Every choice you make can lead you to experience pain or experience pleasure.

Look at the choices people make around you. Are they choosing things that cause them pain versus pleasure? When people feel pleasure, they want to sustain it and will take further action to maintain that feeling or reward.

What you perceive to be true is your reality based on your own life experiences. A simple example I think of is the fact that I do not drink coffee. Growing up on the farm, I remember taking meals out to the field and there would be a big thermos of coffee. The aroma was intoxicating but as I saw it poured into a mug I could only think of tar. I think of tar every time I see someone drinking coffee. I experience pleasure when I put on an outfit and I know that my workouts and mindful eating have paid off. Working out at the gym brings me pleasure because of the results I anticipate – a toned strong body and mind. Again, I can easily push aside desserts for the same reason. Other people may think of working out or skipping dessert as painful so they would rather make different choices.

The anticipation of what may or may not occur in the future may also drive your decision making. Are you making assumptions about what may happen? Do you know for sure?

Focus on what the pleasure and the long term gain are of a decision you make.

What emotions are you experiencing?

When emotions are high, rational thinking goes out the window. Daniel Goleman, the Father of Emotional Intelligence refers to this as an “amygdala hijack” – a part of the brain that loses all reason in times of emotional distress.

You need to leverage your emotions and start linking your feelings to what you want to achieve. Look for inconsistencies and ensure your actions are aligned with what you say you want to happen. Imagine what your life would be like if you took the actions necessary to achieve your goals. Magic would happen!

What is really holding you back from taking the actions you know you need to take?

If you want to lose weight, why aren’t you avoiding sugary foods and soft drinks?

If you want to be financially free, why do you spend money you don’t have?

If you want to have better use of your time, why do spend hours surfing the internet or watching television?

Start associating pain with some of the behaviours you want to change. There is a power of association like coffee and tar. I have heard others like, “Kissing a smoker is like kissing an ashtray.” What would happen if you associated the pleasure of saving money so you could go on that trip you dreamed about or bought that house you have been eyeing. Create your own associations to help make powerful changes in your life.

How will you leverage pain or pleasure to get you desire outcomes?

We would love to have you subscribed to the Success Secrets newsletter on my website at www.debrakasowski.com where you’re going to get us free MP3 download 10 Surefire Strategies to Power Up Your Productivity and Performance. I would love to hear about this podcast has impacted your life. E-mail me at Debra@DebraKasowski.com. Thank you for listening to The Millionaire Woman Show where we talk about leadership, business, and human potential to help you live rich from the inside out. Subscribe to The Millionaire Woman Show. Share it with Your Friends. Give us a 5-star rating!

DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. Her writing has been published in a variety of print and online magazines. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. Sign up the Success Secrets Newsletter and get your free mp3 download today! www.debrakasowski.com

Time: 09:19 min

Keywords: taking control, pain versus pleasure, pain principle, pleasure principle, emotions, control emotions, what is pleasure, what is pain, Tony Robbins, Daniel Goleman, leverage your emotions, Sigmund Freud, what is holding you back, self-sabotage

EPISODE 23: Learn to Intentionally Listen and Learn

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Episode 23 – Learn to Intentionally Listen and Learn

“The world is giving you answer each day. Learn to listen.” – Unknown

There is a significant difference between hearing and listening. I discovered the best definition of the differences on a website called The Difference Between, “Hearing is the act of perceiving and receiving sound waves or vibrations through the ear. Listening is the act of hearing a sound and understanding what you hear.”

Do you know someone who hears that you’re speaking but never seems to be listening?

I think we all know someone like that. It can become frustrating and lead to arguments and disagreements especially emphasizing that they weren’t listening.

WE REMEMBER
10% of what we read
20% of what we hear
30% of what we see
50% of what we see and hear
70% of what we discuss with others
80% of what we personally experience
95% of what we teach others

– Edgar Dale

Studies have shown that we remember approximately 25 to 50% of what we hear. I find this statistic shocking. It is the time we do something different. It is the time that we become intentional with our listening so we can learn. How much more would you accomplish if you took the time to truly listen?

“We have two ears and one mouth and we should use them proportionally.”
― Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

One of the principles of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People written by Stephen Covey states, “Seek First to Understand, Then To Be Understood”. Intentional listening begins when we focus and listen to what the other person is saying. It is the ability to put aside any distracting thoughts and truly be present. If we listen to our own thoughts we’re going to want to interrupt the other person and share our ideas or solutions of what we have done because we have this fear of losing our thoughts. This is where the arguments and disagreements come in because are thinking too far ahead and were not really listening to what is being said.

Arguments and disagreements are a reactive approach to conversation versus a responsive approach. When emotions are high, our brains move into a “fight or flight” response. Your amygdala, a small area of your brain, reacts to protect you and shuts down other areas of the brain that would otherwise analyze the threats. Psychologist Daniel Goleman refers to this as the boiling over point or that amygdala hijack where the intelligent part of your brain is no longer in control and you no longer reason with what’s being said. You cannot often reason with someone who is gone past their boiling point. You can learn to choose the words that you use to meet a person where they are at and truly listen to understand where they’re coming from, what their expectations are, what their hopes and fears are to really gain a clear picture of a situation.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change

How Do I Begin?

There is so much more to listening than keeping your mouth closed and being silent. When you’re listening you are coming from a place of being nonjudgmental and simply curious about what the other person is saying. You let them know that you’re engaged through your body language by nodding your head and maintaining eye contact with them while they speak to demonstrate an interest in what they’re saying. You wait for the person who’s speaking for a pause to ask questions regarding what they said or to clarify what you been reading between the lines. You may paraphrase what they’ve said to ensure that your understanding what they’re saying.

Another way to truly understand what a person is saying is by putting yourself in another person’s shoes, being empathetic, and try to gain an understanding of what they might be thinking and feeling. You might want to repeat facts that you’ve heard or knowledge their emotions. You may say something like, “I am trying to get a sense of how you’re feeling … Are you feeling __________?” to ensure your perceptions are correct. When you do this you make people feel like they’re the most important person in the world and at the moment they should be if you’re truly listening.

justlistenamazonbookThe book Just Listen: Discover The Secret To Getting Through To Absolutely Anyone by Dr. Mark Goulston is one of the best books out there on the topic of listening. He shares strategies and techniques that are designed to help you successfully communicate with anyone. He has trained the FBI and police hostage negotiators to handle life or death situations. The same tips and techniques can be used by you. One of the techniques he describes in the book is called The Persuasion Cycle that was inspired by James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente from Their Trans-Theoretical Model of Change. Dr. Goulston states that you need to speak with a person in a manner that moves them.

  • “From resisting to listening
  • from listening to considering
  • from considering to willing to do
  • from willing to do to doing
  • from doing to glad they did it and continue doing.”

He believes that you can get through to absolutely anyone when you can have them buy into what you’re saying and it all stems back to listening.

Where Does it All Begin

You must truly understand yourself, your emotions, and what triggers you to react and circumstances versus respond. One of the things that Dr. Goulston says, “If you want to open the lines of communication, you must open your mind first.” It begins with suspending all judgment. When you remove judgment, everyone is on equal playing field and your mind is open to the possibilities.

One of the acronyms that we used in my coaching program was W.A.I.T.

TMW_PDFclickhere.fw“Why Am I Talking?”

If you start talking while another person is speaking, no one is listening. You learn so much more when you spend time listening intentionally.

When is Listening Important?

Listening is important in everything we do. Intentional listening can prevent misunderstandings, de-escalate and resolve conflict, discover solutions to problems. Listening is important in parenting in understanding the needs of your child.

Listening is important in leadership to learn what your people want and need. We need to learn a person’s preferences. An introvert may have different needs than an extrovert. The Disney Institute had an article about intentional listening in the workplace. They stated the importance of learning people’s preferences and gaining an understanding of whether they like to work individually or in a team or in a combination of both. By learning this information you can better suit the person to the role and the responsibilities that they need to fulfill. They will be more likely to be successful if they’re working in their preference. Resistance occurs when we have people doing things that do not suit them or do not align with who they are.

Listening is important in sales and understanding your customers wants and needs and learning whether or not you have the ability to fulfill them. When customers have complaints or want to vent, this is a great opportunity for learning. For when someone complains events about a situation, they often have a picture of what the ideal situation would be. It is up to you to learn what that is. If you listen with sincerity and interest in what they are saying, you may be able to resolve conflict easily and create a win-win situation.

Why is listening important to you? What are you listening to? What do you need to be listening for? Where in your life do you need to be more intentional with your listening?

Be intentional with your listening. There is more to listening that what you are hearing. When you listen to podcasts like this one, grab the show notes when you can. Choose to take action or integrate one of your learnings into who you are or how you want to show up in the world.

There is a big difference between what you hear and what you listen to learn and understand!

I would love to hear about how intentionally listening has impacted your life. E-mail me at Debra@DebraKasowski.com. Thank you for listening to The Millionaire Woman Show where we talk about leadership, business, and human potential to help you live rich from the inside out. Subscribe to The Millionaire Woman Show. Give us a 5-star rating! Sign up for our Newsletter www.debrakasowski.com

DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. Her writing has been published in a variety of print and online magazines. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. Sign up the Success Secrets Newsletter and get your free mp3 download today! www.debrakasowski.com

 

Time: 12:23 min

EPISODE 21: Addressing Fears and Feelings

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EPISODE 21 – Addressing Fears and Feelings

We all have fears and feelings. The emotions that we feel impact our thoughts, feelings, and actions. They act like a beacon or a lighthouse, letting us know how the world is going on around us. Our emotions are our sensor. But it’s important to develop self-awareness so that you can learn and know yourself and be able to recognize and identify the thoughts associated with the emotions that you’re having. Your beliefs and your belief system (which includes many patterns and behaviors that you learned in childhood and life’s experiences) are how you perceive and interpret the world around you.

TMW_PDFclickhere.fwSome people believe that if they have a new car, new house, new clothing, or a new relationship that they will be happier than they are currently. Happiness is a state of mind. Happiness is a choice.

The beliefs you have our choice… You can either choose to believe them or release them – free yourself of the burden and pressure of holding out for happiness until something better comes along.

Why not choose to be happier right now?

Simply by doing more of what makes you happy.

Do you know what makes you happy?

You may be wondering what this has to do with addressing fears and feelings. This is where I jump in because you can’t be happy and fearful at the same time so it’s important to address the fears you have in the feelings that you’re feeling.

People often have fears of success, failure, rejection, or illness. There is nothing more than false evidence appearing real.

  1. Identify what you’re afraid of.

What emotions are you feeling?

What triggered them for you?

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

  1. Focus on what you have control over. You have control over yourself and perhaps the environment that you’re in.
  1. Question your beliefs. Ask yourself questions about your assumptions and the beliefs that you have.

If you are afraid of achieving success, you may be self-sabotaging yourself.

What are you afraid of?

What beliefs do you hold around success?

Do you believe success should happen in a certain way?

Who says? 

There are many routes to success. As long as no one is harmed or going to jail, you can take as many routes as you want.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”

Why are you holding yourself back?

Are you afraid to fail or make a mistake?

Guess what?  You are farther ahead than those who do not even try.

  1. Mitigate your risks. Do your homework. Learn as much as you can about achieving your goal.

Have others done what you want to do?

Talk to them. I can hear it… “Why would they want to talk to me?”

People like to share how they achieve success. They will even share stories of their mistakes and failures. Why not learn from others mistakes so you don’t repeat what they have done. Save yourself some heartache.

  1. Shift your thinking-failures and mistakes are learning opportunities to improve and grow. They make us stronger. Take a listen to episode blank challenges make us stronger. [EPISODE 16 – Challenges Make Us Stronger]

Some people have a great fear of rejection. As much as we want to hear a “yes”, a “no” can be a great thing. If someone is not interested or not the right fit- you are not wasting your time. If someone says no- it may mean not the right time, not enough money, not enough information.

  1. Discover what their “no” is by asking questions. Get more information.

For others, the fear of illness paralyzes them from taking action. There are risk factors that you can control when it comes to your health and those you cannot. Worrying about what could happen is a waste of time. Imagine what you can accomplish if you use the time you worry about something to be proactive. Some of the risk factors that you can’t control include your age genetics race and for the most part gender. Risk factors that you can control include your waistline, level of stress, eating habits, and level of activity. Get a yearly physical examination by your physician. Get your eyes checked and your teeth checked. Take care of your health. Listen to your body- if you feel different than what your baseline is for you-you should get it checked out.

  1. Be proactive in taking care of your health that you can live long and prosper.

Address your fears and manage your emotions so that you can ask the right questions to achieve your dreams and make them become your reality. You never know the life you change in the process. Often the person’s life you change is your own.

DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. Her writing has been published in a variety of print and online magazines. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. Sign up the Success Secrets Newsletter and get your free mp3 download today! www.debrakasowski.com

Time 11.22 min

Signs You Are An Emotionally Intelligent Leader

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A person’s emotional intelligence is becoming a key indicator in how successful they will be. Emotional self-awareness is not only about being aware of how your emotions impact your behaviors but also how others may be perceive or be impacted by your behavior. There are signs of an emotionally intelligent leader. Remember – emotional intelligence can be developed; it starts with self-reflection.