Debra Kasowski

How to Use Your Emotional Triggers to Your Advantage

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42201048_lEmotional triggers are thoughts, feelings, or events that trigger an emotional response. These emotional triggers can be positive or negative. It all depends on how you choose to react or respond. Your responses may have been negative at some point but along the way you learned how to deal with these emotions constructively and turn them into a positive lesson or just simply let it go. Ultimately, it is a matter of choice. We’ve all been triggered at some point in our lives. You may have lost your cool at a board meeting or you may have been elated for being acknowledged for an award.

“How you react emotionally is a choice in any situation.” – Judith Orloff

What Triggers You?

Every day you encounter things that trigger you. Think about how you feel when you watch your children play sports or read to you. Think about how you feel when someone cuts you off in traffic. A song may remind you of an event in your past and flood you with memories. Whereas, a pile of dishes on the counter may trigger an emotional response of frustration, disappointment, or anger after you had asked your teenager several times to put them in the dishwasher. When you get angry, your body responds like it being attacked. It jumps into the “fight or flight” mode to keep you safe. It is times like this that your body is in “fight or flight” mode that you will not think rationally and you may say things that you may regret.

“Certain things leave you in your life and certain things stay with you. And that’s why we’re all interested in movies-those ones that make you feel, you still think about because it gave you such an emotional response, it’s actually part of your emotional makeup-in a way.” Tim Burton

Use Emotional Triggers to Your Advantage

It is important to take notice of what things emotionally trigger you. Your 47322169_lenvironment may be an emotional trigger for you: clutter, noise, or conflict. You can try and run and hide and avoid situations that trigger your emotions or you can deal with it head on. Positive emotions do not appear to cause much of a problem because people are happy and joyful and act in a positive way. The negative emotions can hinder communication and potentially harm relationships if not used constructively. You can use your emotional triggers to your advantage and express your emotions in a positive way.

“In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why he you no longer need to feel it.”-Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet In Heaven

Recognize you’re being emotionally triggered. If you pay attention to how your body reacts or feels in a situation, you will be able to notice that you are being emotionally triggered.

Identify the emotion you’re having. What is the emotion that you’re feeling? Stop and take notice of what emotion you are feeling. When you identify it, you can manage it.

Choose to react or respond. Your thoughts and feelings influence your actions and behaviors. How do you choose to use the emotion that you are feeling? Remember avoidance is a choice and the response.

Regulate your emotions. What is the emotion you want to feel? What will you do differently based on the new emotion to respond or react to the situation?

When Emotions are Running High

Here are some simple things that you can do when your emotions are running high due to lack of sleep, increased stress, and lack of me time. Research studies show that sleep deprivation impairs accurate a recognition of emotions and impairs emotional judgment and decision-making. Lack of sleep also impacts your attention and impairs your performance. Before you react, take a step back from the situation for a short time to compose yourself and choose to respond.

  • Take a deep breath. Remember you work worked with everything you need to handle a situation.
  • Splash some cold water on your face and wait till you have calmed down.
  • Take a walk.
  • Sit in silence.
  • Have a cup of coffee or tea.
  • Listen to music
  • Keep a journal and track your emotional triggers recording what thoughts you’re having and what is going on around you. Think about how you could respond persist react.
  • Talk to family and friends when times get tough.
  • Be kind to yourself. Ensure that you are getting enough sleep, eating healthy, and getting enough exercise.
  • Be aware of self-talk that does not serve you.

As you learn more and understand your own triggers, you will also be more empathetic to those around you. You have been there and you understand that it’s not easy but you made a choice to respond. Being able to use you emotional triggers to your advantage can build strong relationships, improve your communication, improve performance, and make better decisions.

How will you use your emotions to your advantage?

DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. She is a contributing writer for Diversity Magazine and Fabulous at 50 Magazine. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. www.debrakasowski.com

Falling on Tough Times Means You Need to Adjust Your Focus

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We don’t have to go too far to get drawn in to negativity. You can go to any social media page and see someone ranting about the political climate or their frustrations with the economy and the impact on their lives.

Tough times don’t last forever. They don’t impact everyone at the same time. There are industries that are growing and thriving by choice. They have learned to think creatively and to be innovative with what they have. They recognize that they are the creator of their own outcomes and experiences. Personal accountability and determination are what make the best rise to the top.

Change means different things to different people but for the most part change means progress and moving forward. Change may provoke feelings of anxiety, fear, and nervousness. It is the uncertainty and the feeling of loss of control that can get a person worked up. When you are driven by your fears, you become caged in your belief that things cannot get better and your actions and behavior with match that belief. You may even start settling for less than you deserve because you’ve adopted a small picture thinking or “victim mentality”. You view the world as things happening “to you” rather than “for you” and because of this small minded thinking you could be missing out on a grand opportunity.

“Whether you think you can or you can’t – you’re right.” – Henry Ford

Small picture thinkers are reactive rather than responsive. They focus on the small things versus the impact on the bigger picture. They fail to see that all circumstances are temporary and anything that is temporary can change. They do not ask questions about how thinks can be different. Small picture thinkers focus on counting their losses versus the gains that they have. They focus on the negativity of a situation and get lost in the blur activities that take up their day and exhaust them.

Worrying and complaining changes nothing. If we want greatness and abundance, we must be looking at what already is going well and celebrate those successes and build upon them. In my training in Appreciative Inquiry, a positive approach to creating meaningful and sustainable change, we guide people through a process of discovery by asking questions and focusing on existing strengths.

“The world as we have created is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking. – Albert Einstein

Appreciative Inquiry is not about getting short-term results although many people would like immediate change (perhaps you they think it will hurt less or be more satisfied due to immediate gratification). People and organizations are living things that learn, grow, and evolve over time. Change takes time and commitment by each individual. You can start with focusing on what’s working and ask ourselves, “What do we/I need to be doing to be our best?”

What lens are you looking through? Are you looking at the upside or the downside? What strengths do you have that you can contribute to make a difference? It will be the big picture thinkers will who will keep the economy going. They know that now is not the time to stop learning, building relationships, or marketing because when the market changes (and it eventually will), they will be top of mind.

Think a little bit differently about the world around you. Ask yourself the following appreciative questions:

  1. Let’s capture your best experience. Recall a time when you felt on top of your game and most alive in your business, organization, or life. Who was involved? What made it such an exciting experience? Write down details.
  2. What do you bring to the table? Without being humble, what do you value about yourself as a person and what you contribute to your business or organization?
  3. The Magic Lamp. What three wishes would you make that would make the biggest difference in your business or organization right now?

Can you feel the shift in focus and energy? When you focus on the best of what is, you can think of ways to enjoy more of the best. Use your best experience, your strengths, and your three wishes to build and grow your business or organization to where you want to be. The same practices can be used in your personal life. Focus on what’s working right now. Celebrate and rave about it – shift the venting and gossip on social media to a positive and meaningful experience. Change starts with YOU!

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”Dr. Wayne Dyer

What is the one thing you are willing to commit to in moving toward making a positive change?

DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. She is a contributing writer for Diversity Magazine and Fabulous at 50 Magazine. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. www.debrakasowski.com

Are Your Habits Driving You Insane?

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Many people find it difficult to talk about emotions in business and in the workplace. Who ever thought emotions would contribute to one’s person’s decision-making, independence, and problem solving ability? Emotions and communication are the “soft skills” or people skills that help businesses grow and leaders climb the ladder of success.

The issue is – not everyone is equally self-aware.

You may have heard the phrase quoted by Albert Einstein, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over but expecting different results.”

ID-10063208This statement makes me think of the movie, “Groundhog Day” (1993) starring Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell where Bill Murray is continually taking the same actions and attending the same events, repeating each day over and over.

Are you frustrated with always getting the same results at work or in your life?

Have you recognized a pattern of behavior?

Do you keep repeating the same mistakes?

If you said yes to any of these questions, perhaps it’s time to examine your behaviors. When you examine these behaviors, your initial reaction may be to make an excuses or point the finger at someone else. However, chances are you’ll realize that the common denominator is you! You need to make the change.

The great thing is that you can take 100% responsibility for your actions and because you are in the midst of it you may not have realized how your repeating patterns of behavior have become so automatic. In Dr. John B. Arden’s book, Rewire Your Brain: Think Your Way to a Better Life, he mentions that “Cells that fire together wire together”.

“The more you do something in a particular way, use words with specific accent, or remember something about your past, the more the neurons that fire together to make this happen will strengthen their connection. The more the narrow inspire together, the more likely it is that they will fire again to get there in the future.”- Dr. John B. Arden

Think about a wheelbarrow crossing a grassy path. If you take that wheelbarrow on the same path 50 or 60 times, eventually you will form defined pathway. This is why people who hang onto the past or think negatively about situations can form a rut and have difficulty re-framing, letting go of the past, or overthink situations.

This analogy leads to why a person’s behavior can often be predicted. Our thoughts and feelings affect our behaviors and actions. When you are emotionally self-aware, you are able to recognize your emotions as well as the emotions of others. By doing so, you may notice a pattern of behavior has to how you or another reacts to a situation.

Reflect on the following situations and think about your potential responses:

Your teenager missed their curfew and did not call.

Your team did not meet the deadline because you failed to follow-up with each team member.

You constantly have to add your opinion to every discussion.

You make costly decisions that are impacting your bottom line.

You are not fully present and did not hear very important information said in the meeting.

You procrastinated and now you have to stay up late to finish a project. In the morning, you are tired and short-tempered with your family at the breakfast table.

Look at your pattern of behavior:

Are you being impulsive or patient?

Do you jump to conclusions or seek more information?

Are you reactive or responsive?

Do you keep your calm or do you blow your top?

Do you keep quiet and bottle things up until you become overwhelmed?

Are you mindful of how you spend your time?

It’s time to stop the madness…. What’s going on?

Stop doing what you’ve always done. It is no longer serving you and maybe it never did. Habits can be good or bad and depending on the choices you make, you can have a positive outcome or negative consequence. What is the outcome you are looking for?

Ask yourself, “What can I say or do to get a different outcome?”

World-class executive coach Marshall Goldsmith states: “correcting the behavior, you will discover, does not require polished skills elaborate training, arduous practice or supernatural creativity. All that’s required is the faint imagination to stop what you been doing in the past-in effect-to do nothing at all.” What Goldsmith means “by doing nothing at all” is stopping behaviors like passing judgments, making excuses, hanging onto the past, negative thinking, adding our two cents to every discussion, and always having to win at all costs. How does it impact you or others? Sometimes the best thing you can do or say is nothing at all.

What is repeating the same mistakes and getting the same results costing you?

The cost is more financial. The cost can be a breakdown in relationships and communication. The cost can be your health, marriage, your relationship with stakeholders, your business, and even your bank account.

Stop the insanity. Break the cycle. Discover the pattern of your behaviour.

You must be willing and read to make a change in your behaviour and actions to get different results.

Your breakthrough may occur when you do the following:

  • Recognize your emotions and the emotions of others in a situation. Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings for they influence your behaviors. Imagine what the other person maybe thinking and feeling.
  • Manage these emotions by challenging your beliefs and assumptions about a situation.
  • Develop a learner mindset and be curious about a situation. Ask questions. The better the question, the better the answer and ultimately the better decision made.
  • Gather more information, you may need to do some research.
  • Ask others to help you identify some of your self-limiting habits. Habits can become so automatic; you may not recognize that they are not serving you.
  • Take what you know to solve the problem or make better decisions.
  • Be authentic and make decisions based on your values.

What habits do you need to change? What habits would empower you or make the biggest difference? Start with one.

What is the one thing you can stop doing or change that would make the biggest difference right now?

The insanity will stop when you start doing something different to get a different result.

Get the result that you want!

DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. She is a contributing writer for Diversity Magazine and Fabulous at 50 magazine. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. www.debrakasowski.com

 

 

10 Things You Need to Stop Doing in Order to Start Seeing Results

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businessman showing Stop doing what doesn't work words underneath his shirt over blue sky

When people think about productivity and performance, they often think about how many items they accomplished and crossed off on their to-do lists. However, if your total focus is on what you should or could be doing, the list could be endless. It is easy to get caught up on the to do list but we fail to notice that if we spent more time stopping what we should not be doing we could increase our productivity, performance, and start seeing the results that we really want.

Start creating a Stop Doing List:

  1. Stop being distracted by your cellphone; put it away. When you take time to put your distractions away and actively listening to what the other person is saying and paying attention to their body language you will start to pick up clues can learn so much more about the other person. This will help you ask better questions and strengthen relationships. Putting away your distractions allows you to do the work you know you need to get done like finishing a report, making a phone call to a client, or sending out that welcome package.
  2. Stop talking about yourself and your role. Take time to find out more about your employees are your customers instead of focusing on yourself. You will learn more about their needs and their wants and how you can best serve them. People are not interested in you and what you role is and how great you are. They want to know what is in it for them – make the conversation about them.
  3. Stop making rash or impulsive decisions. Feeling frustrated or angry? Step away from the situation get some fresh air. Gather more information. Separate the facts from your emotions. Take some time to assess and weigh your options. Give yourself a specific amount of time before you make a decision, hold a difficult conversation, or invest your money. For example, some people wait 24 hours before making a major purchasing decision. This time frame allows for them to think through their decision before making it final.
  4. Stop blaming, complaining and making excuses. These behaviors are just the deflective mechanism for not taking full responsibility for one’s actions, behaviors, and life. You need to own what you do and what you say and take personal responsibility for what you can influence. When you avoid speaking up when you see a gap or something wrong in a plan, you must accept the consequences. If you want different results, you must speak up and provide information that may be necessary to get the results you need. Complaining does not solve anything; it allows you to vent. Action creates results. Excuses are just reasons why you’re not fully committed to what you said you wanted to do. Personal accountability starts with you committing to what you say you want to achieve and taking the actions necessary to make it happen.Portrait of a beautiful girl showing stop sign with palms isolated on a white background
  5. Stop making assumptions and judgments. When you make assumptions and judgments, you are making them based on your own personal beliefs and experiences. You are painting everyone with the same brush. A better approach would be to come from a learner’s perspective and ask questions to gain more information. Start challenging the assumptions and judgments and discover if they are really true. You may find that some of those perceptions are totally off-base.
  6. Stop making everything a competition where someone has to lose and someone has to win. You will gain greater strides when you start working with people than working against them. If someone is better at something than you are, ask questions and learn from them. Hone your own skills to be better. Leverage your strengths versus focusing on your weaknesses.
  7. Stop putting off what needs to get done. You need to ensure that you are managing your priorities. Focus on where your greatest return on investment of your time, money, and resources come from. Work on what you need to get done first before answering e-mails that often request things of you.
  8. Stop reacting and getting defensive to change. Change represents progress and movement. People often react and get defensive when they lack information and they make snap judgments. Get more information so that you can respond to a situation and communicate your needs and get what you want.
  9. Stop putting in the last word. Everyone does not need your two cents about how great you are and how you are the only one who makes great decisions or is successful. You may be great but you don’t want your last words to linger making others feel poorly about themselves. When a conversation is closed, leave it at its highest point instead of ending with, “By the way…”
  10. Stop making decisions that are not aligned with your values and what you say is important to you. Your life and where you are, are a product of all the decisions and choices you have made thus far. If you want different results, you need to start making different choices. Take time to figure out what is most important to you and ask yourself why you decide to do what you do. When you know your “why”, you will make better choices.

BONUS: Stop worrying about what other people think. Do you want to become what they think of you or what you think of yourself? Seeking other people’s approval is exhausting of your time and energy. Be yourself!

What you do on your to do list is just as important as what you need to stop doing. When you focus on what you need to stop doing, you will realize that you will tend to your priorities and start seeing your productivity, performance, and even profits start to grow. You are in control of your results.

What things can you add to the list?

DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. She is a contributing writer for Diversity Magazine and Fabulous at 50 magazine. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. www.debrakasowski.com

7 Steps to Making Better Decisions

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21379811_mlLet’s face it; problem solving and making decisions is not everyone’s cup of tea. Yet we make decisions every day. We decide what to wear, what to eat, and where to or not spend our money. Sometimes we even give others the authority to make decisions for us. This act alone can be dangerous if we have no insight into what some of those decisions might be.

After all, you have probably heard the phrase, “Your life is a product of all the choices you have made.” It may be that because of those choices; you look around and think to yourself, “How did I end up here?” You may be paralyzed from making a decision for fear of making the wrong choice and started asking anyone and everyone for their opinion. It’s great to get advice but ultimately you must own your choices and take full responsibility for your actions.

As long as you are not doing anything illegal, the world won’t come crashing down if you make the wrong choice. You are human. No one is keeping a detailed log of your mistakes. Everyone has made a bad decision at one time or another and if they tell you they haven’t, they are not being truthful. I do not know of a single person who does not wish that they said or did something differently. The most important thing in making mistakes is to learn from them. What would you do differently the next time?

In my nursing career, I can tell you that a knowledgeable nurse is the one who has been exposed to some of the most challenging experiences and is not one quoting from a textbook. Not every learning situation can be simulated but it can be discussed or one can self-reflect. I know this holds true for leaders in many professions.

Some decisions are simple whereas others are complex. We must be mindful of our self-talk when it comes to making decisions. Self-doubt can creep in. Leaders must be courageous and learn to make informed decisions. You can readjust if you make a wrong decision. Every wrong decision made hopefully gets you closer to the right decision.

Making decisions expends energy, time, and even money. The more you wait for the right moment to make a choice, it may be costing you.

Decision making can be simplified by breaking down complex decisions into small pieces. Start asking questions to develop clarity around the problem, issue, or decision you need to make.7912002_ml

Start with getting all the details. What is the situation? What background information do you have? What is the current status of the situation? Do you need information from other people (Facts, figures, or statistics)?

Brainstorm solutions. Mindtools.com suggests a method called “starbursting”, a brainstorming technique focusing on generation of questions rather than answers using Who? What? When? Where? Why? How? As a coach, I know that the most profound answers come from asking great questions. The more thoughtful questions you ask the more thoughtful answers you generate.

Discover the options available. What are the possibilities? What choices do you have?

Weigh out the benefits or risks. What are the benefits and risks of each option? Who or What will be impacted? Do the risks outweigh the benefits?

Mitigate risks and break down roadblocks. What has to be done to mitigate risks? Do you need more information? What are the gaps or challenges that need to be addressed?

Be clear on the outcomes you want to achieve. What are the potential outcomes or results? It is easy for people to state what they do not want but they have trouble being clear on what they do want. No problem – reframe what you don’t want into what you do want.

Prioritize your best options or solutions and make your decision! Be mindful of your emotions as a person’s emotions can easily influence their decisions. It is important to weigh in on the knowledge, facts, and information you have collected. There is room for a “gut” check but do not rely on this intuition alone. Have you ever made an assumption and discovered you were completely wrong? It is important to challenge your assumptions in order to discover if your assumptions hold true.

Making decisions does not have to be stressful. Chances are you have made many decisions before – simple and complex. Think about the process you used to move through those situations. What would have made these decisions easier?

Remember some decisions require you to act in a timely manner. By practicing these steps in making decisions, you will get better with each decision and new experience you have. Don’t be afraid to make a decision or put yourself in new situations that require you to make more complex decisions.

What would your life be like if you grabbed the opportunity to trust yourself and make a decision? Would life look different? Would you be doing what you are doing? Would your results and outcomes be the ones you wanted?

DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. She is a contributing writer for Diversity Magazine and Fabulous at 50 magazine. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. www.debrakasowski.com