dealing with conflict Archives

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I was diving into the book, The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do to Get More of It by Dr. Kelly McGonigal and instructor at Stanford University and thought it would be a great topic of discussion. Some people claim to have willpower and others do not. It is topics like these that get me excited about being human – I get curious! According to Dr. McGonigal, “For most of us, the classic test of willpower is resisting temptation, whether the temptation is a doughnut, a cigarette, a clearance sale, or a one-night stand. When people say, “I have no willpower, “what they usually mean is, “I have trouble saying no when my mouth, stomach, heart, or (fill in your anatomical part) wants to say yes.” Think of it as “I won’t” power.” She refers to “I will” power as the ability to do what you need to do, even if part of you does not want to.

“I will power… I won’t power…I want power…

She talks about how “I will” and “I won’t” power being two sides of self-control and alone do not define willpower as the is one more power. That is – “I want” power. McGonigal describes this as the ability to “To say no when you need to say no, and to say yes when you need to say yes” …a third power: the ability to remember what you really want.” We all have willpower.

Why does willpower matter? It has been said that those people who have willpower are not impulsive so they are able to focus their attention and control their emotions and thus their actions. They tend to have more satisfying and meaningful relationships. Those people with willpower tend to make more money and take their careers and businesses to the next level. When you are able to control impulsive behaviours, you are better able to handle stress and deal with conflict. She goes on to discuss how some colleagues would argue that the prefrontal cortex part of the brain – right behind your forehead – helps you do the “hardest thing” otherwise the brain likes to default to the easiest. The easiest being to stay on the couch and binge on Netflix or play video games or eating that dessert but what you really want is to fit into that new pair of jeans. What are some of the “hard things” you know you need to do?

Self-awareness is key in recognizing what we are doing and why we do it. Is what you are doing aligning to what you want and value? Most choices are made on autopilot – yes, without even thinking about the upside or downside of your actions. What’s even worst is that we are surrounded by distractions and multitasking not paying attention to what we are doing. When you are distracted you are more likely to give in to distractions. Your impulsivity kicks in as you are not stopping to assess whether or not your choice will be a good choice or not. Track some of your choices and any excuses for not following through on what you say you want to do. The more aware you become the more you understand why your impulse to do something arises. These impulses could be to check email, social media, or scroll through the last news feeds.

Willpower is like a muscle. When you want something, you will find a way to make it happen. To strengthen your willpower, it is important to tap into your WHY. What motivates you? What is your biggest WANT power? Your WANT power is your motivation that will keep you on track when you face weaker moments – the times you want to follow through on your impulses. Obviously, what weakens willpower is the opposite of what strengthens it – lack of sleep, poor eating and exercise habits, excessive spending, lack of self-awareness, and the inability to deal with stress and the list could go on.

Here are 9 ways to help you strengthen your WILLPOWER:

Get enough sleep. Studies have shown that when you get less than 6 hours of sleep certain part of your brain are more susceptible to cravings and impulsive behaviour.
Deal with stress. Discover what helps you deal with stress. It can be going for a walk-in nature, talking things out with friends, getting exercise, or listening to music. What gets you into a state of calmness?
Plan for good nutrition. Eat a more plant-based diet. Be aware of food choices that you are making. Keeping a food diary helps you become more aware of the choices you are making. Ever notice when you have food that is high in sugar or greasy that they tend to make you feel slow and sluggish.
Engage in regular physical activity. Your body was meant to move. Physical exercise increases blood flow and oxygen to your body and brain. It also increases the amount of dopamine in the bloodstream that leads to you feel good! Why not do more of what makes you feel good?
Focus on the HERE and NOW. Energy flows to what you focus on. The present is the only thing you really have any control of. Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings and how they are impacting the actions you plan to take.
Focus on your posture. Stand tall not only is having good posture good for your organs and body but it also exudes confidence.
Pray or meditate. Some people are worried about whether they are praying or meditating well. It comes with practice and taking notice of your thoughts. When you take notice of your thoughts, you can change them if they do not serve you.
Create and meet self-imposed deadlines. Goal-setting can play a big role in helping you improve your willpower. Without a deadline, what you say you want is ONLY a wish.
Track your decisions throughout the day. When you become mindful of the choices that we make, we can recognize choices are serving us and not serving us. These choices may include – TV viewing, spending, eating habits, speech, or exercise. We can quickly recognize what is working and what is not working and the things we can change to get closer to what we want.

Strengthening your willpower does not have to be a daunting task. Choose one thing to work on for the next 30-90 days before you choose another thing. Get the new habit to “stick” to be successful.

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DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. Her writing has been published in a variety of print and online magazines. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. Sign up the Success Secrets Newsletter and get your free e-book download today! www.debrakasowski.com

Let’s face it. When you have people with different knowledge, background, experiences, and expertise, eventually, you will face some conflict. People are people. Each person has different ways of dealing with conflict. While some people steer clear of conflict because it makes them uncomfortable not all conflict is bad. There is healthy conflict and unhealthy conflict. We are going to focus on healthy conflict.

You are probably wondering how conflict can be healthy. Healthy conflict is productive conflict – it leads to an outcome where results are achieved. For conflict to be healthy, judgment needs to be dropped. You need to approach conflict with curiosity like someone learning something new for the first time. As you learn more about a person or situation, you can come from a place of empathy and gain a better understanding of why a person does what they do or see how a situation arrived at the point it is at now. Even if you do not agree with another person, you can understand why they believe what they believe. Sometimes team members or partners do not agree on the approach to getting action items done. However, if they believe in the vision of the organization or business, they will often commit to getting things done. Why is that?

Open Communication – When conflict occurs, it can open communication. Stone-walling and silent treatment are not productive. They do not put the issues on the table. When conflict arises, it needs to be tended to quickly allow all parties to have their voices heard. As each person voices their experience and opinion, you can learn what is important to them. Even though there may be a disagreement, keeping an open dialogue can lead to a resolution. The question to be discussed is, “What happened to get us here?” Focus on facts, not emotions.

Set Some Ground Rules to Keep Communication Going:

Stay calm – no yelling! No name calling or walking away from the discussion. Treat people with respect even when you do not agree with them. Everyone’s voice needs to be heard. No talking over one another or interrupting. Actively listen to what is being said and be able to reflect back what you heard or paraphrase your understanding of the situations. Challenge your assumptions and apologizes if you were wrong.

Discover Intentions – A natural first reaction to a situation that is not going in your favor is to think, “Why is this happening to me?” or “Why is this being done onto me?” These questions come up when a person jumps to conclusions or mistrusts another person. When you feel this way, it is beneficial to reflect and gain and understanding of what triggered you to believe something is happening “to you” versus “for you”. What is truly happening? What is being done to me? What was the other person’s intention? Do I have facts to support this intention? If you don’t, you could be fretting over nothing. Save your energy. Start with the belief that a person has good intentions. When you believe otherwise, your actions will match your beliefs.

Examine the Impact – What is the impact of the situation? What do I want to happen? Is there something I need to do differently to get different results?

Healthy Conflict:

Is not judgemental; it comes from a place of curiosity
Allows for open communication and exploration of ideas
Understands that most people have good intention – to do no harm
Keeps the desired outcome in mind
Lets everyone’s voice be heard
Involves taking actions steps toward collaboration and cooperation.

No one said that to gain commitment we must have a unanimous vote, you need to have the facts to make the best decision. What you do need to be able to do is to trust the person or the process. Explore the facts to gain a better understanding and ask questions to learn about the gaps. Healthy conflict leads to forward movement and progression. It helps us move through change.

For many, conflict is an uncomfortable conversation but when you come from a place of being a learner you will be fascinated with your discovery. You may learn to trust yourself and others to do what is right to achieve great things together. Together you are committing to each other and the results you will get.

Skirting an issue does not get your farther ahead. What conversation have you been avoiding? What facts are you missing? Have you been holding off on a decision because you do not have all the answers that you want? Conflict can be healthy, if you are not looking for excuses, blaming, or complaining. It comes down to owning and being accountable for your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. You can only do this by being able to deal with conflict in a healthy way.

EPISODE 161 – Willpower and Why It Matters

3 Fascinating Reasons Why Conflict Increases Commitment