Debra Kasowski

How to Use Your Emotional Triggers to Your Advantage

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42201048_lEmotional triggers are thoughts, feelings, or events that trigger an emotional response. These emotional triggers can be positive or negative. It all depends on how you choose to react or respond. Your responses may have been negative at some point but along the way you learned how to deal with these emotions constructively and turn them into a positive lesson or just simply let it go. Ultimately, it is a matter of choice. We’ve all been triggered at some point in our lives. You may have lost your cool at a board meeting or you may have been elated for being acknowledged for an award.

“How you react emotionally is a choice in any situation.” – Judith Orloff

What Triggers You?

Every day you encounter things that trigger you. Think about how you feel when you watch your children play sports or read to you. Think about how you feel when someone cuts you off in traffic. A song may remind you of an event in your past and flood you with memories. Whereas, a pile of dishes on the counter may trigger an emotional response of frustration, disappointment, or anger after you had asked your teenager several times to put them in the dishwasher. When you get angry, your body responds like it being attacked. It jumps into the “fight or flight” mode to keep you safe. It is times like this that your body is in “fight or flight” mode that you will not think rationally and you may say things that you may regret.

“Certain things leave you in your life and certain things stay with you. And that’s why we’re all interested in movies-those ones that make you feel, you still think about because it gave you such an emotional response, it’s actually part of your emotional makeup-in a way.” Tim Burton

Use Emotional Triggers to Your Advantage

It is important to take notice of what things emotionally trigger you. Your 47322169_lenvironment may be an emotional trigger for you: clutter, noise, or conflict. You can try and run and hide and avoid situations that trigger your emotions or you can deal with it head on. Positive emotions do not appear to cause much of a problem because people are happy and joyful and act in a positive way. The negative emotions can hinder communication and potentially harm relationships if not used constructively. You can use your emotional triggers to your advantage and express your emotions in a positive way.

“In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why he you no longer need to feel it.”-Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet In Heaven

Recognize you’re being emotionally triggered. If you pay attention to how your body reacts or feels in a situation, you will be able to notice that you are being emotionally triggered.

Identify the emotion you’re having. What is the emotion that you’re feeling? Stop and take notice of what emotion you are feeling. When you identify it, you can manage it.

Choose to react or respond. Your thoughts and feelings influence your actions and behaviors. How do you choose to use the emotion that you are feeling? Remember avoidance is a choice and the response.

Regulate your emotions. What is the emotion you want to feel? What will you do differently based on the new emotion to respond or react to the situation?

When Emotions are Running High

Here are some simple things that you can do when your emotions are running high due to lack of sleep, increased stress, and lack of me time. Research studies show that sleep deprivation impairs accurate a recognition of emotions and impairs emotional judgment and decision-making. Lack of sleep also impacts your attention and impairs your performance. Before you react, take a step back from the situation for a short time to compose yourself and choose to respond.

  • Take a deep breath. Remember you work worked with everything you need to handle a situation.
  • Splash some cold water on your face and wait till you have calmed down.
  • Take a walk.
  • Sit in silence.
  • Have a cup of coffee or tea.
  • Listen to music
  • Keep a journal and track your emotional triggers recording what thoughts you’re having and what is going on around you. Think about how you could respond persist react.
  • Talk to family and friends when times get tough.
  • Be kind to yourself. Ensure that you are getting enough sleep, eating healthy, and getting enough exercise.
  • Be aware of self-talk that does not serve you.

As you learn more and understand your own triggers, you will also be more empathetic to those around you. You have been there and you understand that it’s not easy but you made a choice to respond. Being able to use you emotional triggers to your advantage can build strong relationships, improve your communication, improve performance, and make better decisions.

How will you use your emotions to your advantage?

DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. She is a contributing writer for Diversity Magazine and Fabulous at 50 Magazine. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. www.debrakasowski.com

Above Mediocrity: How are You Measuring Up to Your Potential?

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Do you ever wonder how you are measuring up to your potential? Do you think you’re taking enough action and stepping out of your comfort zone? Do you ever wonder what the secret to success is?

You’re not alone. Many people have studied success for years. I myself have been studying success for over 20 years.

What it really comes down to is a person’s daily habits, attitude, and expectations that they set for themselves. If you truly want to be noticed and stand out from the crowd you cannot settle for mediocrity. People start to get comfortable, complacent, and maybe even a little lazy when it comes to expanding and stepping into their potential. They talk a great talk but they’re not always willing to take the action required to sow the seeds that lead to success.

“The potential of the average person is like a huge ocean unsailed, a new continent unexplored, a world of possibilities waiting to be released and channeled toward some great good.” – Brian Tracy

Complacency creeps in when people stop expanding their social circles and networks, learning and growing in their area of expertise, stop appreciating others because they assume that you already know how they feel, and they put their health on the back burner. Over time, complacency can damage relationships, career growth, and your health. Isn’t it funny that many claim that these things are what matter most?

How are you measuring up?

beauty child at the blackboard

Is it time to raise your bar of excellence?

Successful people do not strive for mediocrity or being average. They are looking for ways to be a little bit better today than they were yesterday. They are not willing to settle and fit in to what others say or think they should be like. Successful people do great things through small acts with intention and purpose.

You can start raising your bar of excellence by expecting more of yourself and inspiring others around you by the way you live in the choices you make.

Here are some simple ways in which you can start taking small steps to make big shifts in your relationships, your career growth, and your health. Focus on what you say is most important to you and you’ll reap rewards of happiness, health, and prosperity.

Read one nonfiction book per month. If you can read more books, fantastic! Increase your knowledge in your expertise or another area of interest. Commit to taking action on something learned in the book.

Connect with like-minded individuals. Join meet up groups, associations, and organization in which people have a common interest and also push you out of your comfort zone into dreaming and thinking bigger. You probably have heard the phrase that you are the average of the five people you hang out with the most. Surround yourself with people that you can learn from and who inspire you.

Develop your people skills. Many people take developing their people skills for granted. As you climb the ladder of success, the more people will not just focus on your skills and abilities and how smart you are, the more they look at how you interact with others. Learn to become a better communicator. Listen to the people you interact with. Put aside distractions and pay attention to the subtle tones and movements and body language. Always find a way to leave a conversation in which people are better because of your presence.

Become an action taker. Do not become known as someone who just talks about what they say they want to achieve. The most memorable people are the ones who take inspired action. People often hesitate because of the fear of failure; however, if you evaluate your probability of success you can start taking calculated risks. Each small success will build momentum. Success is short-lived by complacency. You will want to continue to challenge yourself and raise your bar of excellence.

“If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves.”-Thomas Edison

Hire a coach or find a mentor. You can accelerate your success by being coached through your challenges or being mentored by someone who has been where you want to be. Learn from these individuals and ask powerful questions to help you become more knowledgeable and resourceful.

Successful people do not try to do everything themselves nor do they try to take all the credit. They work with teams and incredible individuals who make them shine and raise their bar of excellence. When you take time to make these changes in yourself and look after your health, you will become an unstoppable force to be reckoned with. When you start taking one action each day, you will be taking 365 more actions than many people who are wishing for things to happen. Instead of wishing, you will be making things happen. Everyone has the same amount of time in their day but the difference maker is someone who takes action.

DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. She is a contributing writer for Diversity Magazine and Fabulous at 50 magazine. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. www.debrakasowski.com

Are You Being Interested or Are You Being Interesting?

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How many times have you been in a conversation and have felt that the person you are speaking with really didn’t listen to a thing you said? They were either staring through you, distracted by the surroundings, or already blurting out something about themselves in relation to your story. It can get a bit frustrating. I personally find that it is harder and harder to connect with people who are fully present. They are are often checking their cellphones or computers for emails or text messages or even surfing the net. 19591120_m

How refreshing would it be for someone to listen to what  you have to say without saying anything until you are done? Would you have finally received the air time you have been waiting for? I am in the midst of listening to and reading Mark Goulston’s book entitled, Just Listen as he shares some information about how to get through to anyone. One of the areas he discussed is to not only act interested but be interested in a conversation. Goulston stated that there are 3 keys that will help you demonstrate that you are more interested in the people you are talking to or in conversation with:

Actively listen…

  1. “Stop thinking of the conversation as a tennis match.” (Goultston, 2010, pg.59) When someone is speaking, don’t worry about formulating the next question. Be a detective and learn more. Stop, actively listen expectantly to what is being said. Maintain eye contact. If you are truly listening, you will intuitively have a question come to mind to ask.

Intuitively you will know…

Recently I met a gentleman whose primary language was not English and when he is conversation he stated he is constantly trying to translate the language in his head and prepare the next question. He stated that his family members often commented that he is not truly listening. He is a very smart and well respected man. I asked him to come from a place of curiosity and understanding when speaking to his family members or even his co-workers. With relief, he said he would give it a try as he said it would relieve a lot of pressure if he was not focusing on the translation and the formulation of the next question at the same time.

Ask more questions…

2.  “Ask questions that demonstrate that you want to learn more.” (Goulston, 2010, pg. 60) Lean in and use your body language and eyes to demonstrate your interest in the topic. You will find that people will start to feel more comfortable sharing stories about themselves when you take a genuine interest in who they are.

Mark Goulston provided the “FTD” framework:

F -“I feel x…”

T – ” I think y…”

D – “I did or would do z…”

This framework allows a person to open up and share what is meaningful to them.

Take a genuine interest…

3. Do the right thing – shut up and listen!

Ask another question about what you heard. Ask the person who it sharing the story to tell you more. Summarize what you have heard.

Live an interesting life…

Talking about yourself and sharing how great you are and not asking about another person about themselves can make others feel intimidated and that they cannot relate to you. It is important to take a genuine interest in others. The best advice I can give you about bing interesting is to lead an interesting life so when others take a genuine interest in you – you can share how you feel, what you think, and what you do or would do. People can learn things that they did not know about you. You may also learn how more alike you are to another person versus focusing on the differences you may have.

The art of listening is a communication technique that can transform relationships and business. No matter what processes and systems are in place, people are human and need to feel that they are heard, understood, and made a contribution. I highly recommend this book for your library.

Goulston, Mark. (2010). Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Just About Anyone. AMACOM. New York, NY.

How to Recover from a Failed Conversation

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Some conversations leave us feeling empowered whereas others leave us with a bitter taste in our mouths.

There have been some instances after a long hard day that I have dropped into my big oversized chair and wondered what really happened. How did things get so array? Was it two stubborn people clamouring to be seen, heard, and understood?

Self reflection and self awareness are paramount in recovering from a failed conversation. Start by asking yourself the following questions:

  • What role did I play in the conversation?
  • What is the impact does this conversation have on our relationship?
  • Were we discussing something really important?
  • Did I make my intentions known?

It takes a huge amount of courage to own our issues, to share our perceptions, and to apologize for our part in how things went. Often people do not realize the impact of their words. I know people who have carried words said by someone over 40 years ago. One of the biggest challenges is to recognize that what someone says about you is none or your business and nor should you take it personally. It is one person’s opinion. Remember 1 in 7 billion people – so who are you giving your power to. You can only do what is within your power and you do not have to change for anyone else.

Courtesy of Imagerymajestic/freedigitalphotos.net
Courtesy of Imagerymajestic/freedigitalphotos.net

Avoidance of the situation or person involved does not solve the issue. You may have heard the phrase, “Do not burn any bridges.” What it basically means is you are better to mend a relationship, keep the connection than to damage it, and let it fester into more than it should be. Also note the world is a small place – you never know who knows who you know. Each person needs to own their own part. Seldom, is it just one person’s mistake. After all, communication is a two way conversation!

It is never too late unless a person has passed on to rectify a situation and to clarify what you really meant to say. Even then you can say it aloud to let it out versus keep it inside of you. There is no room for blaming, complaining, or cursing to say what you wanted to say. They say time heals and you may not forget how you felt but you can forgive yourself and the other person for being human and learning from the experience.

Failed conversations carry an emotional charge to them which tends to make people take comments personally. And yes, the beginning of your conversation it may get a bit awkward but as you speak intentionally – you can turn and failed conversation into one which the other person champions you!

Great Sales Book Review: Are You Giving to Get or Getting to Give?

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Great books are not just made, they are born from knowledge and experience. Bob Burg and John David Mann, have done a fabulous job of creating value and closing the sale in their 2 amazing books:

The Go-Giver: A Little Story About a Powerful Business Ideaand Go-Givers Sell More . According to Burg and Mann, there are Five Laws of Stratospheric Success: Value, Compensation, Influence,  Authenticity, and Receptivity. For those of you who are wondering what stratospheric means, “stratospheric” means extremely high! Success beyond your wildest dreams! Would you like to learn how? 

Many lessons and concepts are shared through parable and real life examples with great content and food for thought. Making a difference in today’s world is all about creating value and these authors definitely resonated with me. If you want to experience stratospheric success, these 2 books are must read!

My greatest takeaways and how they apply to you are:

1. Create Value. If you focus on creating value for your prospects and customers, they will be your raving fans and tell others about you. Your focus needs to be, “How can I best serve?” or “How can I help you?” and doing so in such a fashion that you are not expecting anything in return but know that someday and someone will do the same for you.

2.  Meet People Where They are AT. People may find your product or service expensive. Show empathy and compassion by meeting them where they are at. Everyone does not define value in the same way. Avoid listing of all the features, they are important to you and not necessarily important to your customer. Start thinking of how your product or service aligns with what your customer values and believes in. Paraphase what they just said or objected to, “So you think this ___________ product (or service) is too expensive? Gain an understanding of where they are at and what value they would expect from paying the price of a product or service similar to yours. People want to know what is in it for them and that they will get value from doing business with you.

3.  No Pressure Sales. Basically, if they want to buy your product or service they will. Let your customer and prospect decide. Learn what your customer is looking for and why. You may even refer them to a competitor who specializes in what they are looking for. Who is best to serve your customer? They will remember how you helped them and tell others about you. Give them the option to walk away from the sale. Pressure only makes you look desperate for the sale! Maybe your product or service is not what is best for them. That’s okay – there is someone who is waiting for you to share it with them. 

4. Say Less, Communicate More. You may have heard the saying, “God gave you 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason.”  Listen to your customer and hear what their needs are. Often, we can be waiting for the pause in conversation to share our story and what we think would be a benefit to them without truly listening and hearing what is being said. You will learn many of your customers dreams and desires if you only listen.

5. Allow Yourself to Give and Receive Freely. I had someone drop a line on my Facebook page to say that Bob describes a situation of breathing out continuously. Imagine – breathing out continuously – at some point you will need to take a breathe. There is a flow to giving and receiving just like there is to breathing in and out. When someone gives to you or you give to someone else, allow yourself to both give and receive, acknowledge and appreciate the other person for the gift. A gift can be a compliment, a smile, a suggestions, or a material item. Be open to receiving because you are also getting!

There are so many more valuable sales nuggets in these books. These nuggets of information are not only good for sales but apply to all relationships in general. If you follow the Laws of Stratospheric Success, not only will you skyrocket your business but you will live Rich from the Inside Out!!