Debra Kasowski

Are You Being Interested or Are You Being Interesting?

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How many times have you been in a conversation and have felt that the person you are speaking with really didn’t listen to a thing you said? They were either staring through you, distracted by the surroundings, or already blurting out something about themselves in relation to your story. It can get a bit frustrating. I personally find that it is harder and harder to connect with people who are fully present. They are are often checking their cellphones or computers for emails or text messages or even surfing the net. 19591120_m

How refreshing would it be for someone to listen to what  you have to say without saying anything until you are done? Would you have finally received the air time you have been waiting for? I am in the midst of listening to and reading Mark Goulston’s book entitled, Just Listen as he shares some information about how to get through to anyone. One of the areas he discussed is to not only act interested but be interested in a conversation. Goulston stated that there are 3 keys that will help you demonstrate that you are more interested in the people you are talking to or in conversation with:

Actively listen…

  1. “Stop thinking of the conversation as a tennis match.” (Goultston, 2010, pg.59) When someone is speaking, don’t worry about formulating the next question. Be a detective and learn more. Stop, actively listen expectantly to what is being said. Maintain eye contact. If you are truly listening, you will intuitively have a question come to mind to ask.

Intuitively you will know…

Recently I met a gentleman whose primary language was not English and when he is conversation he stated he is constantly trying to translate the language in his head and prepare the next question. He stated that his family members often commented that he is not truly listening. He is a very smart and well respected man. I asked him to come from a place of curiosity and understanding when speaking to his family members or even his co-workers. With relief, he said he would give it a try as he said it would relieve a lot of pressure if he was not focusing on the translation and the formulation of the next question at the same time.

Ask more questions…

2.  “Ask questions that demonstrate that you want to learn more.” (Goulston, 2010, pg. 60) Lean in and use your body language and eyes to demonstrate your interest in the topic. You will find that people will start to feel more comfortable sharing stories about themselves when you take a genuine interest in who they are.

Mark Goulston provided the “FTD” framework:

F -“I feel x…”

T – ” I think y…”

D – “I did or would do z…”

This framework allows a person to open up and share what is meaningful to them.

Take a genuine interest…

3. Do the right thing – shut up and listen!

Ask another question about what you heard. Ask the person who it sharing the story to tell you more. Summarize what you have heard.

Live an interesting life…

Talking about yourself and sharing how great you are and not asking about another person about themselves can make others feel intimidated and that they cannot relate to you. It is important to take a genuine interest in others. The best advice I can give you about bing interesting is to lead an interesting life so when others take a genuine interest in you – you can share how you feel, what you think, and what you do or would do. People can learn things that they did not know about you. You may also learn how more alike you are to another person versus focusing on the differences you may have.

The art of listening is a communication technique that can transform relationships and business. No matter what processes and systems are in place, people are human and need to feel that they are heard, understood, and made a contribution. I highly recommend this book for your library.

Goulston, Mark. (2010). Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Just About Anyone. AMACOM. New York, NY.

5 Secrets of Effective Delegation

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“If you want to do a few small things right, do them yourself. If you want to do great things and make a big impact, learn to delegate.”
― John C. Maxwell

Throughout my career, I have witnessed several forms of delegation. Some leaders were very effective at delegation whereas others were not so effective. If you think of some of the leaders or managers you have worked with, you can probably tell us why each person was more effective at delegating than the other. What did the effective manager or leader do differently?

Happy Business People In MeetingDelegation can be a very powerful tool in empowering employees and assigning work to the most appropriate person with the knowledge, skills, and abilities to produce the best work. When I was learning how to do CPR (cardiopulmonary resuscitation), one of the first steps you do is to call for help and better yet if someone else is available you would say, “You in the blue shirt go call 911. Are you going? Get back to me.” The instruction is very specific and ensures that the person is going to follow through. Delegation is not sending an email and pleading for help. You may not know if the person or group of people have read the email, what their capacity is, or what their skill set or interests are.

During a time when employees and leaders are asked to do more with less, delegation is the key to allowing you to focus on where your greatest return on investment is.

Are there tasks that others can do better than you?

Are there tasks that require only your attention?

Are there tasks or research that can be done before you make a decision?

If you said “Yes” to any of the questions, you can start delegating some tasks to others but keep the following secrets of effective delegation close at hand:

  1. Set clear expectations of roles and responsibilities. If the person you delegate a task to does not understand what their roles is or what the expectations are, they are bound for failure. As the captain at the head of the ship, you will go down as well if you do not course correct. Clear expectations minimize disappointments and misunderstandings. How much freedom does the person have to make decisions? Do they have to check in with you or the team before proceeding? Empower the people who work for you by letting them know what you need.ID-10066401
  2. Share your vision of what you want to accomplish. The more specific you can be about what you wish to accomplish, the more clarity you provide to your people. They will be better able to help you accomplish the vision. They may even have suggestions in how to achieve it. When your people share your vision, they will be motivated to help achieve it because it has importance to them.
  3. Ensure you delegate the whole task and set milestones for check in and progress. There is nothing worse than someone delegating something and then watching or questioning your every move. Delegation is not micromanagement. Micromanagement is suffocating and stumps creativity and innovation. The person you delegated to will feel as though you do not trust them to get the job well.
  4. Delegate the right work to the right person. Delegation is about providing meaningful work where a person feels they are taking on more responsibility not just adding to the amount of work they already have. Delegate to the person who has the knowledge, skills, and abilities to do the job well. Reassure them that you will be there to support them if required. Not only will they feel empowered but you as the leader will also look like a superstar!
  5. Be specific. When assigning a task, ensure the person has all the information and resources to get the job done. Ask them to repeat back to you what you have asked them to do. Clarification ensures that the person you delegated to have a clear understanding of what it is you want done. People cannot read your mind so tell them what you want.

People often have more skills and abilities than what you may give them credit for. Chances are the people who work for you have a greater potential than they are even aware of. Why not safely empower, stretch them, and build their capacity to do great things?

“If we all did the things we are really capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.”

― Thomas A. Edison

What delegation skills have you gained that make you an effective manager or leader?

I Can See Clearly Now

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I am in the midst of obtaining my certification in Emotional Intelligence and we were discussing the downsides of possessing too much of a strong characteristic. It got me thinking about a blog post I recently wrote called Time to Shift from Challenges to Opportunity. I am not second guessing what I wrote, however, I can see how people may see me as somewhat of a Pollyanna or someone wearing rose coloured glasses or even a blue sky thinker.

I do believe that you can create some of your circumstances with the power of your mind and how you respond to situation. In the Emotional Intelligence psychometric tool (EQi 2.0), there is a sub-scale or competency called reality testing. According to Stein and Book (2006), “The best simple-sentence definition of reality testing is that it is capacity to see things objectively, the way things are, rather than the way we wish or fear them to be.” Reality testing is important but I do not think it should stop people from dreaming and creating a business, shifting the culture of an industry, or creating a life you love.

Courtesy of Scott Chan/freedigitalphotos.net
Courtesy of Scott Chan/freedigitalphotos.net

Develop Clarity. It is important for you to assess where you are and know where it is you want to go. Once you develop clarity about what it is you want, you will be able to start seeing the “how” in which you wish to get there.

Be Open to Opportunity. I cannot stress this enough from the previous blog post. I want you to know no matter what circumstances you find yourself in that you always have choices and options. You can either choose to do something differently or the situation may force you into doing something different. How do I know this? Think about all the choices you have made to get you to where you are today.

Watch the Words You Use. Your thoughts, feelings, and behavior affect the actions that you take. If you focus on challenges, you may miss the opportunity waiting in the wings.

Ask Others for Their Insight but Make Your Own Decision. You probably have heard the saying, “You are so close to the situation, you cannot see the forest through the trees.” When you are the the midst of a situation, it may be difficult for you to either see the situation for what it is or the big picture as to how it impacts yourself or others. You may have exhausted ideas and hit the wall and do not know where to turn.

Some people think asking for assistance is a weakness, whereas, I see it as one of the powerful things a person can do. Asking others for their perspective can help you challenge assumptions and perhaps see a different perspective. A story I love to share is one I read long ago in an Anthony Robbins book where Walt Disney asked his employees input into a dilemma or creative idea. Employees submitted idea after idea. Not only did he empower his employees, he reviewed all these ideas and it helped him become one of the innovative leaders of the century.

If you are facing a challenge, try testing your reality. Do you see one of the challenges you face as a true fact or do you see as an opportunity to do something differently? Believe me, I catch myself when I start viewing situations as challenges and setbacks. I also need to remind myself to look at the possibilities and opportunities before me. Situations are temporary – both positive and negative. I will start to plan, prepare, and challenge myself to rise above the situation and you can too.

Courtesy of graur codrin/freedigitalphotos.net
Courtesy of graur codrin/freedigitalphotos.net

I can see clearly now – I chose to look at the bright side. When you focus on the strengths and the clear vision you have for yourself, opportunities will start to present themselves.

What do you see? What choice will you make?

Share this blog post with others so they too can see clearly now.

Stein, Steven J. and Book, Howard E. (2006) The EQ Edge: Emotional Intelligence and Your Success. 3rd edition.John Wiley & Sons Canada. Mississauga, Ontario.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Mindset that Will Cost You Your Dreams

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ID-10089448There is one mindset that can cost you your dreams if you give it space. It sneaks up on you and can infiltrate your mind if you let it. You can create it with your imagination and take it anywhere you want. It sabotages any success you may have been achieving.

Can you guess what it is?

It is the “victim” mindset.

The victim mindset develops from comparing yourself to others and feeling that you are not enough. All you see is how great their life is, but you are part of their life 100% of the time.

You look at past setbacks and see your self as a complete failure without looking for the lessons. Therefore, you may even repeat the same mistakes. Maybe you didn’t learn it for the first time so history repeated itself.

Go easy on yourself. We are so quick to criticize ourselves but my guess is that you would not be so hard on your best friend. Maybe you need to be a best friend to yourself. Be a little kinder to yourself – it may even ripple into the rest of your world.

The victim mindset can steal your joy and your happiness. It can destroy friendships.

The people who you are inspired by should not be people you compare yourself to. They are people you should aspire to be like knowing that you too can do the same. There is a proven track record to be won.

I encourage you to strive for your personal best as this is really the only race worth running or fighting for. Every person has their own lane – it can be fast or slow you choose by the choices you make.

I love to inspire others but motivation comes from within. I want to see people rise above the chaos and past hurts. I want people to raise the bar just a bit higher than last year knowing that they can do it – because they are worth it and can achieve it.

I have been there but what I have learned is that you have control over how long you stay in that place. What you focus and bring your attention to, you get more of. So have the “pity party” or the Eeyore moments and let it go! Shift gears – there is so much more for you to accomplish. The victim mindset will just slow you down. Don’t let it. A positive mindset will take you places bigger than your dreams as long as you take action and put in the effort.21149028_l

Whether you are a professional, executive or entrepreneur, your mindset needs to be “game on”. You do not have the time or luxury for negative self-talk. Talk back to it and put it in its place. Learn from your lessons – that is what life is about. You are here to make an impact. You are here as Gandhi eloquently said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

Why? Cause you and your dreams are worth it! You are the one and only – give your best!

Be victorious!

Go ahead and share how your shift your thinking into a positive state of mind!