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“difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values.”
― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
Difficult conversations are never easy. These conversations are often hard to talk about and uncomfortable because you never know how another person will react once the conversation gets started. Many people avoid difficult conversations because they do not like conflict. Avoiding conflict and stuffing down your feelings are not healthy responses. If you shift the focus of the conversation from being one of conflict to one of a learning conversation, you may learn something about the situation you did not know and it may shift your perception.
Conversations can get emotionally charged when you are passionate about your subject or you feel attacked. Your feelings matter and their feelings matter. When a person is emotionally charged, they cannot think rationally. They react often from fear rather than respond to situations. For this reason, it is good to allow some time to pass before engaging in a difficult conversation. Defusing anger and frustration allow both parties to think and approach the situation rationally. If emotions are high, chances are no one is listening and important points can be lost. Take some time to do some self-reflection to see how you may have contributed to the situation. I know you are probably saying excuse me? Yes, each party needs to take 100% responsibility for how they have contributed to the conversation. Mistakes can be made – you are human.
One of the first things to realize assumptions and conclusion are made about what was said and felt but was not said and what was actually said. Don’t let your conclusions be your truth. There is your story, their story, and what happened. You can be adamant about what was said or you can come from a place of curiosity and a desire to learn and understand what the person meant to say. What was the impact? Did you take it personally? Acknowledge where a person is coming from, don’t argue. When expressing yourself, use “I feel…” statements, to avoid judgments and accusations. Difficult conversations should not be about blaming others.
Difficult conversations are not about controlling another person’s reaction or forcing them to see your point of view. If you are doing this, you may notice you are not getting the changes you want to see. Change is an inside job. A person must see the need for change in order to think and do things differently. If you anticipate that you may get a reaction, think about how you can prepare for it. Visualize how you can respond to it rather than react to their reaction. Remember, it’s okay to pause the conversation for 5-10 minutes until emotions settle down to reconvene. You do not want to say things you will regret later. It is important to separate people from the problem.
You want to focus on results not the reasons for the conflict. What is the outcome you desire? In my work with Emotional Intelligence, I teach an ‘XYZ’ method. X is “When this happened…” (describe the situation or event), Y is “I felt this…” (express your feelings), and Z is “The result I would like… or “In the future, I would like…” (focus on results/outcomes). This approach removes judgment and accusation and allows you to express yourself versus bottling up your feelings. You are able to communicate your expectations.
Relationships often become stronger when you are both able to express yourselves and your needs. Discuss what matters not who is to blame. Difficult conversations get easier when you are curious and seek to understand what a person is saying and truly listen to what is being said.
What is the lesson you will take away from your last difficult conversation? Will it matter 5-10 years from now? Perceptive is everything.
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DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. Her writing has been published in a variety of print and online magazines. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. Sign up the Success Secrets Newsletter and get your free e-book download today! www.debrakasowski.com
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