having difficult conversations Archives

3 Fascinating Reasons Why Conflict Increases Commitment

April 25, 2017 by Debra Kasowski Leave a Comment

Let’s face it. When you have people with different knowledge, background, experiences, and expertise, eventually, you will face some conflict. People are people. Each person has different ways of dealing with conflict. While some people steer clear of conflict because it makes them uncomfortable not all conflict is bad. There is healthy conflict and unhealthy conflict. We are going to focus on healthy conflict.

You are probably wondering how conflict can be healthy. Healthy conflict is productive conflict – it leads to an outcome where results are achieved. For conflict to be healthy, judgment needs to be dropped. You need to approach conflict with curiosity like someone learning something new for the first time. As you learn more about a person or situation, you can come from a place of empathy and gain a better understanding of why a person does what they do or see how a situation arrived at the point it is at now. Even if you do not agree with another person, you can understand why they believe what they believe. Sometimes team members or partners do not agree on the approach to getting action items done. However, if they believe in the vision of the organization or business, they will often commit to getting things done. Why is that?

Open Communication – When conflict occurs, it can open communication. Stone-walling and silent treatment are not productive. They do not put the issues on the table. When conflict arises, it needs to be tended to quickly allow all parties to have their voices heard. As each person voices their experience and opinion, you can learn what is important to them. Even though there may be a disagreement, keeping an open dialogue can lead to a resolution. The question to be discussed is, “What happened to get us here?” Focus on facts, not emotions.

Set Some Ground Rules to Keep Communication Going:

Stay calm – no yelling! No name calling or walking away from the discussion. Treat people with respect even when you do not agree with them. Everyone’s voice needs to be heard. No talking over one another or interrupting. Actively listen to what is being said and be able to reflect back what you heard or paraphrase your understanding of the situations. Challenge your assumptions and apologizes if you were wrong.

Discover Intentions – A natural first reaction to a situation that is not going in your favor is to think, “Why is this happening to me?” or “Why is this being done onto me?” These questions come up when a person jumps to conclusions or mistrusts another person. When you feel this way, it is beneficial to reflect and gain and understanding of what triggered you to believe something is happening “to you” versus “for you”. What is truly happening? What is being done to me? What was the other person’s intention? Do I have facts to support this intention? If you don’t, you could be fretting over nothing. Save your energy. Start with the belief that a person has good intentions. When you believe otherwise, your actions will match your beliefs.

Examine the Impact – What is the impact of the situation? What do I want to happen? Is there something I need to do differently to get different results?

Healthy Conflict:

Is not judgemental; it comes from a place of curiosity
Allows for open communication and exploration of ideas
Understands that most people have good intention – to do no harm
Keeps the desired outcome in mind
Lets everyone’s voice be heard
Involves taking actions steps toward collaboration and cooperation.

No one said that to gain commitment we must have a unanimous vote, you need to have the facts to make the best decision. What you do need to be able to do is to trust the person or the process. Explore the facts to gain a better understanding and ask questions to learn about the gaps. Healthy conflict leads to forward movement and progression. It helps us move through change.

For many, conflict is an uncomfortable conversation but when you come from a place of being a learner you will be fascinated with your discovery. You may learn to trust yourself and others to do what is right to achieve great things together. Together you are committing to each other and the results you will get.

Skirting an issue does not get your farther ahead. What conversation have you been avoiding? What facts are you missing? Have you been holding off on a decision because you do not have all the answers that you want? Conflict can be healthy, if you are not looking for excuses, blaming, or complaining. It comes down to owning and being accountable for your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. You can only do this by being able to deal with conflict in a healthy way.

DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. Her writing has been published in a variety of print and online magazines. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. Sign up the Success Secrets Newsletter and get your free mp3 download today! www.debrakasowski.com

Expect the Unexpected by Taking a Coach Approach in Difficult Conversations

December 18, 2016 by Debra Kasowski Leave a Comment

Anticipating a difficult conversation can be gut wrenching at times. We let our imagination go in so many different directions as to how the person might respond or even react. We make assumptions and judgments before we even walk in a room. No matter what the difficult conversation is, I am always surprised in some way as to how the conversations turn out. Not only do I learn a little bit about the other person, I learned a lot about myself.

As I reflect on some challenging situations in which difficult conversations had to be had, I may prepare and plan and there will be sometimes the plan needs to get pushed aside because the unexpected occurs. There will be times when a conversation doesn’t go as planned. There’ll be more times that your conversation will go better than expected if you are able to recognize your own emotions and how they are serving you before you enter the conversation.

By taking a coach approach to a difficult situation, you help others become self-reflective and more self-aware. When a person is self-aware, change may begin. You can step into a difficult conversation with ease when you go win with the expectation that the unexpected may occur.

1. Be open minded. When you enter a conversation, Park your judgments and assumptions at the door. Your preconceived ideas only taint the situation. If you come from a place of curiosity you will learn so much more.

“The single most important thing [you can do] is to shift [your] internal stance from “I understand” to “Help me understand.” Everything else follows from that. . . .

Remind yourself that if you think you already understand how someone feels or what they are trying to say, it is a delusion. Remember a time when you were sure you were right and then discovered one little fact that changed everything. There is always more to learn.”

― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

2. Trust the process… Detach from the outcome. Ask questions that allow you to gain more information and then ask more questions. Allow the person to share their story. Avoid asking “Why?” or “How?” as these questions tend to put people on the defensive. Ask “What?” questions to explore.

3. Let go-don’t take things personally. When emotions are high, people can say and do things that they normally wouldn’t say to you. Long-winded e-mails or e-mails in CAPLOCKS say more about the other person than they do you. Do not respond right away especially if your emotions have shifted to high. You may choose to pick up the phone or meet in person instead of making assumptions about a person’s intent or tone in an email.

A person’s reaction or response is based on their perception of the world or situation. It is up to you to learn and understand what that perception is. Their reaction is often not about you; it’s how they feel about the situation. They may be triggered by something in their past or even their environment and you have no clue what that may have been.

4. Acknowledge the courage it takes for the person expressing themselves. It takes a lot of energy to have the courage to be vulnerable in front of your peers or colleagues. Take notice of the effort it takes to share their feelings as no one wants to be seen as weak and often this is what hinders people from asking for help when it is truly needed.

5. Clarify any misunderstandings. Now that you have heard the other person’s perception, ask for permission to share yours. This is your opportunity to ask more questions or further discuss each other’s perceptions of the situation.

6. Discuss next steps. Everything is laid out on the table. Now you have the opportunity to talk about the next steps and how you plan to move forward together. There may be times when you agree to disagree. No matter what the situation looks like there needs to be a plan to move forward. What will that look like?

7. Express gratitude. Thank the other person for meeting with you to have the discussion as this was an opportunity to be curious and to learn more.

When you take the time to be fully present in open, you become curious and willing to gain a full understanding of the situation. You don’t allow hearsay or your imagination to dictate what the outcome may be.

There have been times when people have vented their thoughts and I do know what to say. What I learned is that if I ask questions and stay curious I can discover what the ideal is that the person is trying to express. I can read frame they’re venting energy and ask them what that ideal is. There have also been times when people have been so overwhelmed in their lives that they didn’t hear a person’s concern or see the help that someone was offering until there was some quiet time to self-reflect. I find these to be some of the most rewarding conversations because there is no agenda and there is a free-flowing dialogue in which everyone is heard, valued, and appreciated. Be open to expecting the unexpected by using a coach approach to a difficult conversation and you will be pleasantly surprised.

Episode 44 – Making Difficult Conversations More Comfortable

November 15, 2016 by Debra Kasowski Leave a Comment

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How many of you enjoy difficult conversations? How many of you have had a difficult conversation? My guess is many of you have. It doesn’t make it any easier. Each situation you face requires courage and empathy. Difficult conversations are often viewed as conflicts. Difficult conversations are never easy but they are simple.

Some people believe that if you avoid having these difficult conversations or avoid discussing the elephant in the room that they’ll just go away. What happens when you will avoid a difficult conversation? This behaviour actually compounds it adding more discomfort and even tension to the room. It could eventually blow up and cause a lot of damage in relationships.

Avoiding Difficult Situations

Why do you think we avoided it? There can be a number of reasons why we avoid having difficult conversations:

Some people believe that if you talk about the difficult situation you’re only making it worse by adding fuel to the fire per se.
Others believe that difficult conversations make both parties feel that so why would we want to go there?
When we have those difficult conversations, sometimes there’s nothing preparing us for what we might be told.
The uncertainty of the impact and the outcome can make people uneasy.

I remember when I was a new manager at performance conversation my manager had suggested that an area of personal development for me was to get more involved in people management and being able to handle those difficult conversations. I was very wary about inking that on paper. I now understand why because as soon as I inked it on paper it was like the universe was saying and ‘Here it is!” Difficult conversations seem to come fast and furious. There were times that I could feel my stomach flipping but play out the conversations in my head and sometimes I was even sick to my stomach because I was so uncertain of the outcome. As time went on, I developed a system in which I no longer am afraid to have a difficult conversation and my stomach doesn’t flip out as much on occasionally uneasy but not to the point that I feel I need to visit the bathroom.

Everyone Wants to Be Heard

listening The one thing that I feel is most important when having a difficult conversation is that everyone’s voice be heard whether you agree with it or not. You must take a nonjudgmental approach where you challenge your assumptions by asking yourself questions. It is important to stick to the facts. I’m not saying that your emotions are not important however they may not be the drivers of the miscommunication or the feedback that needs to be delivered.

When Emotions Run High

When emotions are high, it’s best to give it space and time to let it settle out. When emotions are high, people may say things that they later regret and did not intend. What happens is, there is a part of the brain that tries to protect you and when emotions are high you do not think rationally. Knowing this, you might choose to step back from the situation to really gain a clear picture and gather those facts. Acknowledge that there may be differences. Even though, you are putting the emotions aside as you review the facts, it doesn’t mean that what had occurred or the feedback gifts delivered to have an impact on you.

Take Time to Self-Reflect

It is important to do some self-reflection especially when the miscommunication may be with you and another person. Do check-in on yourself and take responsibility for your contribution to the miscommunication or the problem – I call this “owning your stuff.” People forget that it takes two people to tango and have a conversation. Each person comes forward with their own contribution to a situation. Put aside all blaming or complaining. Faultfinding does not help people move forward.

Preparation Meets Conversation

One of the best ways to prepare for difficult conversation is to prepare and script out, rehearse, and even role-play what you would like to say to take the anxiety out of having this conversation that you see is difficult. Assess the current situation and compare it to what you expect. What is the gap? Come from a place of curiosity to gain an understanding of what the true picture is versus what is imagined. This way you won’t forget anything and sometimes looking at the written piece of paper may help you control your own emotions.

Difficult conversations need to be discussed in a private area between the parties involved. Remember that you are working toward preserving a relationship and even though you may think differently and you may agree to disagree, you want to make sure that each person walking away from this conversation still remains intact. Let the person that you are speaking with know that you might be feeling uncomfortable. Pay attention to the other person’s emotions and your own. Watch their body language if face to face. I do not encourage anything but! It is not good to have these conversations by phone as you miss the visual or body language and there is no tone in email or text. It is okay to share how you’re feeling about the discussion. You will also want to express what you look need and expect for future actions of another person or what you are willing to do. Knowing that outcome can help you understand if you actually met the needs of that conversation.

Awesome Strategy

This discussion has often been referred to as the XYZ method:

X – When this happened…(What was said – facts!)

Y- I felt …(Feelings)

Z – In the future, I would like…(Expectations)

I have used this method on several occasions and I do have to tell you that not only is it empowering but it allows you to focus on the facts without bottling up your emotions.

No matter what the difficult conversation, you need to remember that both parties come with their own perspectives, knowledge, and experiences. They are upset is about them because you cannot be responsible for someone else’s feelings and they cannot be responsible for yours. Ask yourself why you feel triggered in the conversation. Is it that you never felt heard, valued, or appreciated? Treating people with respect is imperative even if we disagree with what they might be saying. You too, come with your own perspectives, knowledge, and experiences. Expectations may be different. Work toward finding a common ground that both parties feel comfortable with as they walk away from that conversation.

Every difficult conversation is different. People are driven by emotion and also need to be where the facts. With practice and the use of these simple steps, you will be able to have difficult conversations with grace and you will find them more comfortable as you develop confidence and competence in having them. Sometimes you may realize that the bond between two people gets even stronger because they’ve been able to have a difficult conversation. No one said it would be easy but it will be worth it even if it is for your own peace of mind in ensuring that you say what you needed to say versus holding onto it.

We would love to have you subscribed to the Success Secrets newsletter on my website at www.debrakasowski.com where you’re going to get us free MP3 download 10 Surefire Strategies to Power Up Your Productivity and Performance. I would love to hear about this podcast has impacted your life. E-mail me at Debra@DebraKasowski.com. Thank you for listening to The Millionaire Woman Show where we talk about leadership, business, and human potential to help you live rich from the inside out. Subscribe to The Millionaire Woman Show. Share it with Your Friends. Give us a 5-star rating!

Time: 11:54 min

Keywords: having difficult conversations, managing difficult conversations, fierce conversations, communication, miscommunication, overcoming difficult conversations