Debra Kasowski

5 Ways to Lead and Influence by Actively Listening

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Have you ever been part of a conversation where someone is finishing your sentences before you’ve even completed your thought? Have you ever had someone interrupt you just before you are about to make an important point? Have you ever had a conversation where you couldn’t get a word in edgewise?

You’re not alone.

For some reason, some people think that they need to respond to what you’re saying right away without taking a breath or they need to interrupt you because they need to share their idea immediately before they forget it. Whereas, others may dominate the conversation just because they like to hear themselves talk or that no one has ideas as great as theirs. These individuals fall short of being a great leader because they lack the emotional intelligence skill of active listening.

Now take a moment to think of the people you know who make you feel valued and appreciated when you speak with them. It is like you are “the most important person in the room”. These people have the power to influence and persuade. They are great leaders. What qualities do they possess? Do they have a superpower that no one else has? What separates them from everyone else?

There are five ways that you can lead and influence others by actively listening so you position yourself as a person who makes others feel like they are the most important person in the room.

Listen to your own inner chatter.

Stop and ask yourself these questions:

  • Am I coming from a place of judgment or am I trying to learn about another person and what they are saying?
  • What thoughts and emotions are coming up for me?
  • Am I truly being present and mindful of the conversation?
  • Am I catching myself already formulating a response to what they’re saying?

41461729_lTurn your attention to the speaker.

  • Give them your full attention by maintaining appropriate eye contact, smiling appropriately, and nodding where you have agreement.
  • Eliminate distractions by turning off your cell phone, closing the door or moving to a private area, and turn off your computer so you are not tempted to multitask.
  • Don’t interrupt the conversation. Wait at least 3 seconds before you start to speak to ensure that they have finished their thought.
  • Don’t finish the other person sentences before they finish talking.

“There is a big difference between showing interest and really taking interest.” Michael P. Nichols

 

Ask thoughtful questions or make a positive statement about something that they have said. By asking purposeful questions, you are demonstrating that you are actively listening to the conversation and interested in what the other person has to say. When you make a positive statement about something someone has said, they feel good because you took notice which makes them feel valued and appreciated.

“Effective questioning brings insight, which fuels curiosity, which cultivates wisdom.”

Chip Bell

Reflect, paraphrase, and expand. Reflect back and paraphrase what you have heard. You can gain more information and gain understanding by asking probing questions or simply stating “Tell me more.”

Allow for pauses in the conversation. Pauses are very powerful as they help eliminate filler words like “ums”, “uhs”, or “ers”. Pauses allow the speaker as well as the listener to gather their thoughts and reflect on what has been said.

Great leaders were not born. They learned what separated good from great and they worked at making people feel important. You can up level your leadership style by practicing these active listening skills. People will become magnetically drawn to your leadership presence and describe you as a great leader.

What can you start doing to become a better listener?

DEBRA KASOWSKI, BScN CEC is an award-winning best-selling author, transformational speaker, blogger, and Certified Executive Coach. She has a heart of a teacher and is certified in Appreciative Inquiry and Emotional Intelligence. Her writing has been published in a variety of print and online magazines. Debra Kasowski International helps executives, entrepreneurs, and organizations boost their productivity, performance, and profits. It all starts with people and passion. www.debrakasowski.com

Are You Being Interested or Are You Being Interesting?

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How many times have you been in a conversation and have felt that the person you are speaking with really didn’t listen to a thing you said? They were either staring through you, distracted by the surroundings, or already blurting out something about themselves in relation to your story. It can get a bit frustrating. I personally find that it is harder and harder to connect with people who are fully present. They are are often checking their cellphones or computers for emails or text messages or even surfing the net. 19591120_m

How refreshing would it be for someone to listen to what  you have to say without saying anything until you are done? Would you have finally received the air time you have been waiting for? I am in the midst of listening to and reading Mark Goulston’s book entitled, Just Listen as he shares some information about how to get through to anyone. One of the areas he discussed is to not only act interested but be interested in a conversation. Goulston stated that there are 3 keys that will help you demonstrate that you are more interested in the people you are talking to or in conversation with:

Actively listen…

  1. “Stop thinking of the conversation as a tennis match.” (Goultston, 2010, pg.59) When someone is speaking, don’t worry about formulating the next question. Be a detective and learn more. Stop, actively listen expectantly to what is being said. Maintain eye contact. If you are truly listening, you will intuitively have a question come to mind to ask.

Intuitively you will know…

Recently I met a gentleman whose primary language was not English and when he is conversation he stated he is constantly trying to translate the language in his head and prepare the next question. He stated that his family members often commented that he is not truly listening. He is a very smart and well respected man. I asked him to come from a place of curiosity and understanding when speaking to his family members or even his co-workers. With relief, he said he would give it a try as he said it would relieve a lot of pressure if he was not focusing on the translation and the formulation of the next question at the same time.

Ask more questions…

2.  “Ask questions that demonstrate that you want to learn more.” (Goulston, 2010, pg. 60) Lean in and use your body language and eyes to demonstrate your interest in the topic. You will find that people will start to feel more comfortable sharing stories about themselves when you take a genuine interest in who they are.

Mark Goulston provided the “FTD” framework:

F -“I feel x…”

T – ” I think y…”

D – “I did or would do z…”

This framework allows a person to open up and share what is meaningful to them.

Take a genuine interest…

3. Do the right thing – shut up and listen!

Ask another question about what you heard. Ask the person who it sharing the story to tell you more. Summarize what you have heard.

Live an interesting life…

Talking about yourself and sharing how great you are and not asking about another person about themselves can make others feel intimidated and that they cannot relate to you. It is important to take a genuine interest in others. The best advice I can give you about bing interesting is to lead an interesting life so when others take a genuine interest in you – you can share how you feel, what you think, and what you do or would do. People can learn things that they did not know about you. You may also learn how more alike you are to another person versus focusing on the differences you may have.

The art of listening is a communication technique that can transform relationships and business. No matter what processes and systems are in place, people are human and need to feel that they are heard, understood, and made a contribution. I highly recommend this book for your library.

Goulston, Mark. (2010). Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Just About Anyone. AMACOM. New York, NY.

Time to Shift from Challenges to Opportunity

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Last week I was sitting in the audience of a panel discussion where the two panel guests were talking about their industries and the social and economic challenges they were facing. They were both passionate about their subject matter; however, I found myself shifting in my chair waiting for the right moment to head up to the microphone to make a comment. 21418888_l

I found it difficult to stay seated as I witnessed several people getting up from their chairs and leaving. I too wanted to leave. Why? The message left with the audience was draining. The focus was one of challenges. It seemed that every second statement was about the challenges they were facing.

I wanted to jump and ask for permission to coach them. However, they may not have appreciated a coaching session in front of the audience. Instead, I sat back and wondered in self reflection. What was it about their message that was irritating me? What did I want to hear from them? What was my expectation? Maybe what they were saying had some truth.

I wanted to hear them to say that even though challenges existed that they saw them as an opportunity to dig deeper and get more creative and innovative with funding and sharing their message. I wanted to hear that they saw these economic and social challenges as a temporary setback and they were setting up for their greatest comeback. I wanted to hear that there was hope. I felt that the audience also wanted to hear -there was hope.

Hope. They wanted to see how what was said related to them and how they could see through the challenges they faced. The audience longed to hear tips and strategies of how these individuals have lead others through these challenges and came out ahead.

I left the room disappointed but on a mission to find a way to pass this message on. I sought out the most appropriate person and shared my concerns. He listened very carefully and stated he felt that he played a part in how the panel’s questioning was framed. He learned from my feedback and stated he would pass it on.

It really made me think about the power of the words we chose to communicate with. We need to think about how we want others to feel after we have shared an important message. What do we want them to walk away with? Do we want a call to action? Do we want to gather ideas and support?

Words are very powerful. When I was listening to them speak and focus on their challenges, I kept thinking about how many more challenges that were coming their way. What you focus on grows! Instead of focusing on challenges, focus on solutions and breakthrough ideas. Brainstorm ideas or ask your employees and colleagues what they would do.

I was taught to view life as a learning lab. If this is the case, I choose to help individuals and organizations to focus on solutions, opportunities, and possibilities. When you focus on your strengths and what is working, the greater the momentum you will carry through to your vision.

We are in the greatest time to dream, discover, and design what we would like the world to be. A place of possibilities and a place of hope.

In what ways can you look at your challenges and turn them into opportunities for growth?