How to Receive Feedback Well – Even When You Do Not Like It!

Let’s face it sometimes receiving feedback is not all it’s cracked up to be.

Many of us have been in situations where individuals feel they must share unsolicited feedback about our parenting style, facilitation skills, the work that we do, how we drive a car, and even how we golf. Feedback can come from all directions. Some feedback is delivered with good intention and some perhaps not so much.

In Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen’s book, Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback (*even when its off base, unfair, poorly delivered, frankly you’re not in the mood), they discuss how people and organizations focus on improving the delivery of effective feedback versus how a person receives feedback. Just as the giver is offering their own perspective of a situation, the person who receives the feedback makes an interpretation. The problem lies in the fact that the giver and receiver may not see eye to eye. Has this ever happened to you?

Feedback can come from people who do not have the knowledge, skills, expertise, or experiences you do. They may not have kids. They mean never have had to deal with poor performers or productivity issues. They may never have run a business but what they do have is their “advice – welcomed or not” or “research”. You may not find these people credible or the delivery of their feedback  totally off course. You may be quick to discard it with a “What do they know?” comment.  However, you may be discarding it too soon. Take time to consider the value of their offering and learn to ask the right questions. Are they offering you a viewpoint you may have not seen or heard before? Life experience may be the greatest teacher.

Stone and Heen believe that feedback comes in three forms: appreciation, coaching, and evaluation. We all love to hear words of praise and appreciation; however, if that is all you received how will you learn, grow, or challenge yourself to a new level? It all comes down to whether or not you are open and willing to receive feedback by consider its merits.

When receiving the feedback, ask yourself: “Is this feedback to help me improve or am I being evaluated? If evaluation is first to come to your mind, chances are your body stiffened up  and you may have even been put on the defensive. If you decided it was coaching in which you are receiving information to improve yourself, your body may have had a more relaxed posture. It is important for the receiver to understand where this feedback is coming from and where it is going. “Does this feedback help me get better outcomes?”

Take time to seek and understand their intention. Making assumptions leaves too much room for misinterpretation. What is the meaning behind the feedback? How was it intended?

By asking more questions, you can decide whether the feedback you receive has any merit or not. You can reject it if it has no validity.

Put your guard down and use feedback as a growth opportunity. Learning how to receive feedback well can improve your relationships, your teams, and your overall mindset.

There may be a diamond under all the rough and jagged edges. All you have to do is polish it out.

What techniques do you have in receiving feedback well?